Saturday, August 19, 2017

Thoughts, Part one....

I decided to call this post 'Thoughts Part one' because I am pretty sure there is going to be more then one part.
I have decided to chunk social media... for my own good. Some of the things I will miss is pictures of grand kids, birthday reminders, keeping up with kids that grew up in my home. 
Anyway that is just not enough reasons to to be on it anymore. 

Lately I have been getting more then stressed about all the stuff I have seen posted and have been getting some pretty hard hits from people I thought were friends and people I thought knew what was really going on ( as if any of us really know???) And I have had some hard attacks from family members coming out of nowhere...who needs any of that?
But in spite of all the crap, I have drawn a few conclusions and have been searching my heart pretty hard for some serious answers. 

One thing I have been asking myself is why I am reacting so painfully to all of the bull out there. Why is it even pushing any of my internal buttons? I thought I was more together then that?
Though I am a lot more together then I used to be, I am still a pretty damaged soul. I am still healing and I still have a lot of open wounds I had no idea I had. Info that is good for me to know.

I have been watching and pondering all the crazy things going on in our country...'never mind the world our country is enough to ponder on for now' and have come to a few conclusions. Weather they are right or wrong who knows, but its just my conclusions.
First I will start with President Trump...  I was never a Trump fan, I just thought he was some big wig, pompous, rich guy. I never watched his TV shows, I didn't care one way or another.
Then he decided to run for president. Although I am not big on politics I took notice.  He definitely was not the usual...plus him against Hilary was interesting.( more on this later)

Now I have known for a long time that this country was founded on masonic and occultist principles in spite of the Christian rights claim that the U.S. was founded on God. Well maybe a god, but not The God... I know that the bigger agenda of the founding of this country went back long before any ship set sail to land here.
The good, the bad and the ugly this country was founded on human sacrifice and blood and has pretty much sustained itself on that. I am not saying I do not love my country or even want to be anywhere else...this is my earthy home in spite of the good and bad of it. Just because the bigger agenda was wrong and evil, did not mean everyone who came here to find a better life was. My belief is that most humans on this planet are alike in that we all want peace, love and a safe place to raise our families and worship as we choose or choose not too.
Most people want the life Norman Rockwell portrayed in his artwork, a safe place of innocence and simplicity.

The men and women who fought for this country from the beginning really were fighting for peace and safety in spite of the bloodshed. I am sure that none of them really understood the bigger picture of 'others' agendas...they weren't suppose to. All any of us knew was that a threat was issued against the people we loved, our homes and livelihoods. Fight or flight set in...and brave people that they were, they chose to fight, not run and hide.
I feel very defensive of the people in our armed forces because of this. They went in to protect us and were used and abused and still are to this day.

I have had the privilege of  working for and caring for Veterans who fought in WW2, Korean war and Vietnam. They were all good men, they all loved this country, they all loved their Creator and their families. They were all damaged and haunted by the wars they fought in. They were all treated like shit by our government ( who implemented these wars) and unfortunately by a huge amount of civilians who blamed them for the wars they fought in, civilians who would sell their children and moms to anyone on a dime to save their own butts. 
These are the same people who are going nuts now, tearing down statues, spitting and throwing urine on other people, and promoting the worse hate crimes I haven't seen since I was a child. The media is their best friends...I have decided and sided with President Trump on this one...they are all hate groups..any groups the promote division and violence with initials are hate groups...as well as the media.
Its not the statues that are wrong...its the condition of human hearts.
OK I need a break..I am feeling pretty emotional. Part 2 is coming tomorrow.

PS...my story was all on this blog...but it is now gone...I guess the powers that be did not want it out there anymore...sorry folks...I have been censored!!!!!
 

Monday, May 29, 2017

Climbing up ...

So I guess I have to hit the bottom to start climbing back up.

When I moved back to Texas  five years ago a lot had changed in my life. I loved Arkansas, but due to things I had not much control over, Tim and I had to move back to Texas.

Its been a struggle to say the least. I have not been real happy about moving back, but then I guess that is part of the lesson I am suppose to learn. Happiness is suppose to come from within, not from outside of me. I get that in small moments, the rest of the time I struggle with it. Truthfully I think most people struggle with that one, its not something I alone deal with.

Depression is something no one wants to deal with. I once read that depression is anger turned inward...I think there is a lot of truth in that one as well. I think I have been angry ever since I found out my son was ill. I think I have been angry ever since we left Arkansas. I think I have been angry in having to deal with a lot of things here, period. I think I have been angry at myself because I feel so inadequate all the time in trying to handle so many challenges here.  I think I have been angry at God. Now, that was a very hard thing to admit.

When I first started dealing with my past and all the abuse, I went through a stage where I was mad at God...It was hard, but I got through that. I guess I just thought that anything past all of that had to be much easier and the anger issue would just not come up again. Guess what? I was wrong...

So here I am again, trying to get past this hurdle. I think I thought that if I did all the right things I could somehow create a different reality. So in reality all of my so-called good deeds turned out to be nothing more then a bargaining chip I was throwing at God in hopes for a different outcome in my life. That is why I feel a fraud. That is why I feel rather ashamed at my pathetic efforts.

With all of this said, I have to admit that there is a darkness in my soul and only The Creator and I can get to the complete root of it. I keep getting the feeling that all of the things I have been dealing with the past few years are leading up to something deep inside of me, something I really need to see and pull out to the light in order to heal. This the real root of my anger at God... the real root of the anger at myself....

It seems that Judy is still on that journey to wholeness...
It seems that Judy will be on that journey the rest of this life...

And from a post in 2010 I wrote this... I think I really need to take note of this one!!!

 
Today I have something I am going to post about rest....but before that I just have to say I am not very good achieving that goal

It seems like every time I seek some sort of rest and relief from the cares of this world more junk gets dumped upon me. No matter how hard I try and step back to take a deep breath and chill.... well lets just put it this way challenges arise.

As a child trying to survive all the abuse heaped upon me I dissociated to be able to find a refuge in my mind. If I had not had the ability to do that no doubt I would have not survived.

Now many years later and a whole lot of healing later, dissociating is not an option anymore. I have to meet life's junk head on. So, now the challenge is how to deal with it and survive with my brain still intact. Believe me it is a challenge!

I have heard people tell me what a blessed life I have.... well any life is blessed in my opinion just because it has managed to survive anything on this planet. Maybe the word is miraculous?

My life has always been hard and it still is.... I have had blessed moments but even then blessings always come with a price.

Do I sound cranky and bitter? Well I can be cranky and yeah sometimes even bitter not to mention angry. I have to admit I do not always run around praising God for allowing me to be here and all that is my life. Oops... did I admit that? Now what? Is the sky going to fall?

So with saying that I have to say this.... I do not always rest well, much less in peace. Am I a failure? Am I lacking faith?

It does often seem to me that just when it feels like I am getting on my feet and brushing off my pants from the last fall I find myself on my butt again. Am I ever going to learn? Will I ever get this? In my opinion.... probably not. So the sixty four thousand dollar question is.... how do I live with this and get any rest at all and survive this life?

The only thing I know is written below.... and I am so not there yet. I am a work in progress...

THE PLACE OF REST

(Matthew 11:29)



Most people have their idea of rest. For me it is to stop all other activities and read a good book. However, in this fast-paced world, it can be hard to stop. The reason it can prove to be hard to stop is because of the momentum that often drives people. For example, the momentum that drives me is time is short and I want to finish all the projects that I have started in relationship to my spiritual life. In reality such work may not be completed because there will always be demands or responsibilities tugging at each of us.

When we think of rest, we often relate it to a state of rest. The reality of true rest is that we must come to a place of rest in order to experience an inner state of rest. The world is not only one big pigpen of vanity, but it is battleground where the soul finds itself in constant conflict.

The motivation or momentum behind this conflict is selfishness. Man wants his way so that his emotional state will experience joy. He wants to be right so that his mind will not be caught up with uncertainty and doubt. He wants to ensure that his will is carried out so that all can be well with his world. However, man finds himself at odds with those in his world that are also motivated by their selfishness.

Jesus understood this conflict well. He invited everyone to come to a place of rest. In summary, come to Him and He will give each of us the vital rest for our soul that so many are seeking in the midst of the rubble and tombs of the world. Remember, the person of Jesus is an actual place. He is the Prince of Peace, and the only one capable of bringing rest to our restless and tormented souls.



Thought: The real rest we often seek is the rest from the momentum caused by personal demands, expectations, responsibilities, and turmoil of life.



©2010 Rayola Kelley, Gentle Shepherd Ministries. Permission is granted for
non-commercial (free) distribution provided this notice appears.

www.gentleshepherd.com



Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Who is Judy?

  I haven't written anything in a very long time. Actually writing has always been a way for me to sort things out, a way for me to really speak what I am feeling inside. I guess the reason I have not written in so long is because I have been so confused about what I feel inside, about what I believe or even think.

  Its funny how things can change in a heartbeat, yet really not change at all. We all have struggles, we all have pain, we all have good moments and bad. We all find things we can hold onto and we all can lose those very same things.

  Nothing is easily gained, not the healing from an external wound or an internal wound, finding truth, discovering a lie, finding love, losing love...family or friends. These things are all part of life, yet so very hard to understand, to obtain or even hold onto.
Some people can find a faith, a truth, a love they can hold onto their whole lives, family, friends. Others, like me, question everything, find faith only to watch it fall between their fingers, find love only to question its very existence, take the leap of faith only to land in a mud hole, find friends only to push them away, reach out only to draw back.

  I know this sounds like a pity party and I do not really mean it to sound that way.
I am not so very unhappy with my life. I have had some very wonderful, amazing moments. I have had love and joy. I have had forgiveness and peace. I have had a lot more then a lot of people ever obtain. That is not even what I am talking about.
I guess what I am trying to say is in spite of everything in my life, I have yet to understand any of the purpose or even know if it was me at all.

  Yes, I know I have heard all the wise platitudes, I have read my bible and studied it front to back. I have had my moments with Jesus and my wars with Satan. I have done what people would consider good things and I have done some very bad things. I try not to hurt people, I try to be honest and I am caring. I cry way to easily at others pain and I always try to do the right thing. I guess all of that could make me a good person.
But...deep inside I feel a darkness always lurking. I live in my mind far away from everything and everyone I know.

  I can't tell the truth that I know is inside of me because I know it would appall, alienate and push everyone I care about away and I am just not strong enough for that. I always feel a fake and a fraud and this goes far beyond the darkness in my corner.
I don't care about what my childhood was or wasn't...I don't care about any of that anymore. What I do care about is that I have no flipping clue at almost 60 years of age who I am or what the hell I am even doing here.

  I tried helping other survivors, I have volunteered with hospice, I have prayed with people who had lost almost everything and helped pick up their pieces, I have taken care of people who are sick and people who are dying. I have done a lot of things people would consider good things...and they are, but....what is inside of me is still there and its a force to be reckoned with. It is like a knife so deep that if I pulled it out I would bleed to death.
Every time I did anything I wrote about above, it was like I was always standing outside of myself watching a stranger. She deserves the credit not me...I do not feel anything remotely connected to her. I say I because this is my body and because even though I have no clue, I am connected to her.
  
I have heard her talk on the radio about her great faith in God and about her healing and about her hope and I feel a fraud. I feel as if I have stolen an identity and used it to present to the world a Judy people can love, and a Judy who can be an inspiration.
  
Somewhere inside I am an artist... but I can't even seem to draw or paint anymore. That part of me feels just as much a fraud as the rest of me. I stand back and look at the art I supposedly created only to feel disconnected and fake.

Who am I, who is Judy?
Is she even real, or just a creation of someones idea of who she is suppose to be?

Monday, October 24, 2016

I am still alive

Hey all,

Just a note to let you know I am still alive. I will try and update my blog this week. Just a lot going on....
  I really miss writing.....

Judy

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

I am shutting multijudysworld mysite down, but I am keeping my blog.
Personal reasons.....
Thanks all!!!

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

My Child

My oldest son is fighting a serious disease. It has been a very hard struggle for this mom.
I am working on trying to stay positive but at the same time keep my feet on the ground, roll up my sleeves and do what needs to be done.
You know, as a mom, it is so very hard to watch a child no matter who old they are suffer. It goes against all that is in you. You carry a child for nine months, give birth, fall in love with that child from the moment they are put in your arms. You care for them in sickness and health, try to teach them everything you can so they will hopefully survive and thrive on this planet and love them unconditionally.  You don't divorce a child when they hurt you, betray you, or for that matter for any reason. At least most moms are this way....
Joshua has always been a good son. Not perfect, but a good, loving son. I have never doubted he loved this mom and still does.
I know in my heart that this is his journey, his life. There are things he needs to learn and do and this illness is a part of that journey. It is also a part of my journey.
I was never given a book when I came home from the hospital with Josh as a baby. It was all trial and error, done on instinct. I don't have a book right now that is helping through this either. This has been a journey all trial and error and instinct.
I can read my bible and find comforting passages and other great books of faith, however, I am still a mom, on the front lines hurting for my child. 
Will I lose my son to this battle? I do not know, but I do know this. He belongs to the Creator....I have to trust in the plan He has for my son. I have to trust that Joshua's journey is in good hands and that The Creator is in control of that.
If I should lose Joshua in the flesh I have to trust the Creator has a plan for me to get through that as well.
Right now, this mom feels pain...

Sunday, May 1, 2016

Opinions and comments welcome

My friend DL wrote the following....
I would be interested in any opinions and comments....

Thanks,
Judy

 Have you ever considered that you might be under a mind control program called “Christianity”? (i.e. a religious matrix).    When  God - The Most High - physically tortures and kills his son on a cross, that would be considered satanic ritual abuse.  It is time for all who claim to be Christians, to re-evaluate the religion they are participating in, and let the Holy Spirit do the interpreting of scriptures.  They would discover a whole new paradigm, and a very different Jesus!(Galatians 1:11, 15-17).  The letter (a literal interpretation) kills, but the spirit gives life!

#1: Our Lord was crucified in a spiritual city, not on a piece of real estate in the Middle East. Revelation 11:8.  Paul describes the resurrection as spiritual, not physical.  Philippians 2:5; 3:10-16.

#2:  Abraham is an allegory; fable; not a real person in history.  Galatians 4:22&24. Apostle Paul.

i.e. Abraham = Brahma; Sarah =Saraswati


3.  Israel is symbolic of a spiritual transformation (See: Genesis 32:24-32 and Revelation 2:17); not a piece of real estate in the Middle East, or a state created in 1948 by the Rothschild’s. 

4.  Who is this mysterious man called Jesus Christ, really?  Apostle Paul’s (Jesus) Christ was a mystic Christ, and one that had to be birthed (unveiled) within each of us.  Galatians 1:12; 15&16; Galatians 4:19. This was the same Christ Paul found hidden within the O.T. scriptures, and Isaiah 26:17- 27:1 is an excellent example.  Christ formed within us (the bridal chamber) is the one who will slay the dragon/satan in the sea (Sea is a picture of us; humanity).   John also describes this same situation in Revelation 12.  The book of Revelation is not about past, present or future events, it is about Christ being birthed/formed in us, the temple of God and the Holy Spirit. Revelation 19:10.  Paul never met the man Jesus; his epistles were all written before the 4 gospels but at the same time as the Gospel of Thomas; he never spoke of a virgin birth or Jesus’ genealogies. Why not?   (The virgin birth and Jesus’ physical genealogies were probably created and added later to only two gospels.  Also, the pastoral epistles of 1 & 2 Timothy and Titus are rejected by notable scholars as having been written by Paul.  They contradict Paul’s Gnostic teachings.  He was never interested in building physical temples or churches.  1 Cor. 3:16&17; 6:19&20; Ephesians 2:21&22.  Jesus Christ’s second coming or appearing will never be on a piece of real estate in the Middle East!!   It’s time to wake up.  Ephesians 5:14.

Romans 12:1  I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a LIVING SACRIFICE, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service……….So why would God require his son to go through satanic ritual abuse (physical crucifixion)  and then his followers would be miraculously saved through vicariously living through someone who went through SRA?

We are told to take up our own cross, not someone else’s, and the

Monday, April 25, 2016

New day new post....

So much for the anger thing...takes too much energy and that is one thing I do not have enough of to spare.
I think too much, I am very sure of that!
Anyway I have come to the conclusion that even though I have written all through my story about satanic ritual abuse, I might need to revise it to just plain trauma based mind control. The reason is, because even though there was a lot of satanism involved, I am beginning to understand satanism was just another means to an end. I don't think that satanism was the main goal, it was just a function or part of the trauma base...
I believe there were many parts to the programing and the agenda was to control...
I am wondering if the programmers even really believed in their satanic crap. What I mean is sure they got off on it and sure they used it and did rituals etc. however, I am wondering if it was just another part of the programing and it was just a part of another days work, unfortunately some of them really enjoyed that part. SRA just brought out the worst in people who were already dead in spirit. Since they could not feel or give love in any way, SRA and the whole trauma cycle they used on others was the only way they could feel alive.
Now, I am not making an excuse for them at all! They are dead spirited people that I really can not compare to humans.
You know years ago I watched a movie called 'Dances with Wolves'. I remember the main tribe involved were talking about 'human beings'...they did not consider whites to be 'human beings' because whites in their eyes lacked human qualities and all the Indians saw was the bad side of  white soldiers and others killing animals for sport and having no respect for anything. When they took the time to know the one soldier they were shocked to discover he was compassionate and loyal and had respect for others and life around him, thus they deemed him a high honor of being a 'Human being'.
I think there is a lot of truth in that...
Although the Indians were not perfect and had their flaws they also had respect and care for others and the planet. They did not kill unless they felt a threat to their loved ones, etc....yes there was always exceptions...just like with the whites...and the soldier showed them that.
It is not always so cut and dry with humans....
Some are humans with flaws and some are not humans, in that they did not show or have one ounce of humanity or love.
So in my mind I see the perpetrators of my life as mostly non humans as I did not see any sign of humanity in them.
One things 'they' taught me was to never trust anyone or anything outside of the religion 'they' taught me. I was never to question other faiths, thoughts or even my own doubts. I was never suppose to step outside of the box I was put into. I was suppose to be a human robot controlled by non-human beings...
Guess that is what the last few months of my posts have been about, me climbing out of that box, kicking and screaming and being a human being....
 
 

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

This is the real me

OK, so yesterday I was thankful. Today I still am, however I am onto another place.
Lately the process of coming out of all the 'Christian' mind control programming has caused all kinds of feelings in me.
The biggest has been anger....
I am angry because of all the lies that made me to feel so worthless my whole life. I am angry because of the separation I have felt from my Creator all of my life because I was taught I was not worthy or good enough.
I am angry because of all the abuse I endured from 'Christians' telling me how God loved me, while abusing me or the more benign telling me I am going to hell every chance they got. That God demanded perfection and blood sacrifices and if I didn't follow all the rules I would burn in agony for eternity! How loving......
I am angry because my whole family has been damaged and abused by these lies!!!
You say "those were not true Christians" I beg to differ....its all been a lie. A lie to make us fear God, a lie to keep us in line and under control, a lie to keep us from thinking for ourselves....
Lies, lies, lies!!!!! 

OK, now here is where I need to clarify something... I know and love many Christians...they are good people, who have a deep faith in their religion. However, it can not be mine anymore. I wipe my hands of 'Christianity'. I do not wipe my hands of my Christian friends. I do not condemn them or think I am better or more right or anything.... this is about what I believe and feel is right for me.
I can not pretend anymore to believe something I do not believe is true.

If any of you believe its true and want to follow that religion then that is your right to believe anyway you choose however, I can not be a fake or a fraud anymore. I don't believe in any of it anymore.

Yes, I do believe the bible is more an allegory of truths then literal.
Yes, I do tend to lean more toward Gnostic teachings.

When I read and study now for the first time things are making sense. God does not seem bipolar and sadistic. 
The kingdom in within us, so that is where I am searching. 
I know my anger will abate... I am a forgiving person. I am a loving person.
I know this will sound odd, but I do not even like the idea that all the people who hurt me will suffer forever. I would like to think they will either cease to exist, or somehow they will work through their karma and change into better souls.
I need a Creator who cares for us all...gives us all many chances to get it right. 

I have thought about this a lot. I have searched my heart and soul for truth. I know that deep in my soul I do not wish for anyone to be evil and in misery forever... no one. I believe in hope. Hope that the perfection of our souls comes through trials and living life, loving, forgiving and learning until we finally evolve back into the Creator where we started.
 

Monday, April 18, 2016

I am Blessed!!!

Today is 'Thank the Creator day'!!!
I am still hanging in there!
I am alive in spite of the challenges I have each day!
I have a loving supportive husband! 
I have loving children and grandchildren!
I have supportive and loving friends!
I have a lot of people in my life who care about me!
I thank the Creator for setting me free from fear and
the pain of my past!!

I am blessed!!!

My prayer is that everyone who reads this will be
blessed too!!!!

Thursday, April 14, 2016

I suppose...

I suppose most of you out there think I have gone off the deep end with my Gnostic postings and such, but truthfully this has been the most healing and has made the most sense to me then anything I was ever taught in mainline Christanity.

Jesus teachings have become more real to me and even his purpose.

I was always confused by all the contradictions in the bible, especially the bi-polar personality of The Creator. I could never justify blood sacrifice on any level either. Maybe it is because of my background, however why would any loving Creator need a blood sacrifice to absolve sin? Jesus said all you had to do was ask forgiveness and go sin no more...I never read about him demanding a blood sacrifice to cover sins. In any case if anyone has ever been through the horrible ritual of a human or even an animal sacrifice, I can promise you, you would not understand blood sacrifices on any level!!!

So have I lost my salvation because I do not believe Jesus had to die to absolve our sins? I do believe he died because he was trying to set people free from religious programming, then somehow his death got turned into another horrible religion. 

Oh well, that is just my thoughts...I need a God who is not into blood, destruction, and eternal damnation. I need a God who is into love, forgiveness and hope.

Maybe I am naive, or maybe I am just tired of all the fighting, dissension, judging, unforgiveness, blood shed and being scared of a Creator's horrible wrath and destruction.

Reading the bible as an allegory has made it more real and  beautiful then I ever thought possible. I am totally relearning what the bible is about. I am totally relearning what my Creator and my life is about. For the first time in my life I am beginning to feel real peace and hope in my soul for all humankind. I am starting to see a beautiful laid out tapestry of life designed my a wonderful, loving Creator whom we are all an aspect of. It is our choice to follow the Kingdom within or follow the flesh without. Its a battle to be sure and we are all on different roads, however I am beginning to understand that that narrow road leads within.

This is my journey...I hope that even you all who do not agree with me can still love me and be my friend. I am not trying to convert anyone, however, I have to be true to who I am and to my Creator as I understand. I am tired of pretending...

Love and Prayers,
Judy

Thoughts, Part one....

I decided to call this post 'Thoughts Part one' because I am pretty sure there is going to be more then one part. I have decided to...