Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Who is Judy?

  I haven't written anything in a very long time. Actually writing has always been a way for me to sort things out, a way for me to really speak what I am feeling inside. I guess the reason I have not written in so long is because I have been so confused about what I feel inside, about what I believe or even think.

  Its funny how things can change in a heartbeat, yet really not change at all. We all have struggles, we all have pain, we all have good moments and bad. We all find things we can hold onto and we all can lose those very same things.

  Nothing is easily gained, not the healing from an external wound or an internal wound, finding truth, discovering a lie, finding love, losing or friends. These things are all part of life, yet so very hard to understand, to obtain or even hold onto.
Some people can find a faith, a truth, a love they can hold onto their whole lives, family, friends. Others, like me, question everything, find faith only to watch it fall between their fingers, find love only to question its very existence, take the leap of faith only to land in a mud hole, find friends only to push them away, reach out only to draw back.

  I know this sounds like a pity party and I do not really mean it to sound that way.
I am not so very unhappy with my life. I have had some very wonderful, amazing moments. I have had love and joy. I have had forgiveness and peace. I have had a lot more then a lot of people ever obtain. That is not even what I am talking about.
I guess what I am trying to say is in spite of everything in my life, I have yet to understand any of the purpose or even know if it was me at all.

  Yes, I know I have heard all the wise platitudes, I have read my bible and studied it front to back. I have had my moments with Jesus and my wars with Satan. I have done what people would consider good things and I have done some very bad things. I try not to hurt people, I try to be honest and I am caring. I cry way to easily at others pain and I always try to do the right thing. I guess all of that could make me a good person.
But...deep inside I feel a darkness always lurking. I live in my mind far away from everything and everyone I know.

  I can't tell the truth that I know is inside of me because I know it would appall, alienate and push everyone I care about away and I am just not strong enough for that. I always feel a fake and a fraud and this goes far beyond the darkness in my corner.
I don't care about what my childhood was or wasn't...I don't care about any of that anymore. What I do care about is that I have no flipping clue at almost 60 years of age who I am or what the hell I am even doing here.

  I tried helping other survivors, I have volunteered with hospice, I have prayed with people who had lost almost everything and helped pick up their pieces, I have taken care of people who are sick and people who are dying. I have done a lot of things people would consider good things...and they are, but....what is inside of me is still there and its a force to be reckoned with. It is like a knife so deep that if I pulled it out I would bleed to death.
Every time I did anything I wrote about above, it was like I was always standing outside of myself watching a stranger. She deserves the credit not me...I do not feel anything remotely connected to her. I say I because this is my body and because even though I have no clue, I am connected to her.
I have heard her talk on the radio about her great faith in God and about her healing and about her hope and I feel a fraud. I feel as if I have stolen an identity and used it to present to the world a Judy people can love, and a Judy who can be an inspiration.
Somewhere inside I am an artist... but I can't even seem to draw or paint anymore. That part of me feels just as much a fraud as the rest of me. I stand back and look at the art I supposedly created only to feel disconnected and fake.

Who am I, who is Judy?
Is she even real, or just a creation of someones idea of who she is suppose to be?

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