This is the real me

OK, so yesterday I was thankful. Today I still am, however I am onto another place.
Lately the process of coming out of all the 'Christian' mind control programming has caused all kinds of feelings in me.
The biggest has been anger....
I am angry because of all the lies that made me to feel so worthless my whole life. I am angry because of the separation I have felt from my Creator all of my life because I was taught I was not worthy or good enough.
I am angry because of all the abuse I endured from 'Christians' telling me how God loved me, while abusing me or the more benign telling me I am going to hell every chance they got. That God demanded perfection and blood sacrifices and if I didn't follow all the rules I would burn in agony for eternity! How loving......
I am angry because my whole family has been damaged and abused by these lies!!!
You say "those were not true Christians" I beg to differ....its all been a lie. A lie to make us fear God, a lie to keep us in line and under control, a lie to keep us from thinking for ourselves....
Lies, lies, lies!!!!! 

OK, now here is where I need to clarify something... I know and love many Christians...they are good people, who have a deep faith in their religion. However, it can not be mine anymore. I wipe my hands of 'Christianity'. I do not wipe my hands of my Christian friends. I do not condemn them or think I am better or more right or anything.... this is about what I believe and feel is right for me.
I can not pretend anymore to believe something I do not believe is true.

If any of you believe its true and want to follow that religion then that is your right to believe anyway you choose however, I can not be a fake or a fraud anymore. I don't believe in any of it anymore.

Yes, I do believe the bible is more an allegory of truths then literal.
Yes, I do tend to lean more toward Gnostic teachings.

When I read and study now for the first time things are making sense. God does not seem bipolar and sadistic. 
The kingdom in within us, so that is where I am searching. 
I know my anger will abate... I am a forgiving person. I am a loving person.
I know this will sound odd, but I do not even like the idea that all the people who hurt me will suffer forever. I would like to think they will either cease to exist, or somehow they will work through their karma and change into better souls.
I need a Creator who cares for us all...gives us all many chances to get it right. 

I have thought about this a lot. I have searched my heart and soul for truth. I know that deep in my soul I do not wish for anyone to be evil and in misery forever... no one. I believe in hope. Hope that the perfection of our souls comes through trials and living life, loving, forgiving and learning until we finally evolve back into the Creator where we started.