I am closing down this blog

Hey all

I am closing down this blog in a few days. I will open a new one under

www.multijlsworld.blogspot.com

I will explain on that blog.

Thanks for following...

Judy

Update

So this is the update of my life...
 I am in Pennsylvania at my sisters house helping her care for my mom.
 My mom is in the last stages of her life and I am here helping my sister care for her.
I don't have a lot to say other then it is hard and life changing at the same time.
I have always been the helper on the sidelines with people on Hospice..this is the first time I am on the front-line. 
I know I will have a lot more to say about this later, but as of right now all I can say is please pray for my sister and I along with the other family members this effects.
Please pray my mom does not suffer needlessly for an extended time and please pray we all have strength to do what we have and need to do with the wisdom we need to do it.
If none of this makes any sense I do apologize... I am pretty wore out.

Anyway...that is all for now..
Blessings,
Judy
 

I'm good

Sorry I have not written anything in a few weeks. It is mostly because I have been working a lot, plus several family challenges have come up and when I am not working I am catching up at home or just plain crashing. I have been fighting a fatigue that is dragging me down quite a bit and leaving me no reserves at all.

Harvey missed us in NE Texas for which we feel very blessed, I do have family down by Houston and yes it was very bad. But I am very proud of how so many came together and are helping.
Now, with Irma tearing through Florida, I pray the same care and compassion comes through for them in the wake of such a disaster.

I am not even getting into anymore political rantings as there is much more important things going on in this country and around the world. All I can say is we really need to be more loving and compassionate towards each other, more forgiving and much more humble. 

I don't think or believe there is any one person who can fix all our problems..no magic formula or human who can figure out the answers we all seek. That is because the answers are inside of each and everyone of us. Christ talked about it all the time. The kingdom of God is within us...love one another, humble ourselves, forgive others as we ask for forgiveness and treat people as we would like to be treated.

There is no political party or politician, no religion or preacher, who can fix this for us. It is each one of us doing our part. 

Love and prayers for all...
May the Creator of All give us the strength to endure and the love and compassion for one another...

Much love,
Judy

 

Who is Judy?

  I haven't written anything in a very long time. Actually writing has always been a way for me to sort things out, a way for me to really speak what I am feeling inside. I guess the reason I have not written in so long is because I have been so confused about what I feel inside, about what I believe or even think.

  Its funny how things can change in a heartbeat, yet really not change at all. We all have struggles, we all have pain, we all have good moments and bad. We all find things we can hold onto and we all can lose those very same things.

  Nothing is easily gained, not the healing from an external wound or an internal wound, finding truth, discovering a lie, finding love, losing love...family or friends. These things are all part of life, yet so very hard to understand, to obtain or even hold onto.

Some people can find a faith, a truth, a love they can hold onto their whole lives, family, friends. Others, like me, question everything, find faith only to watch it fall between their fingers, find love only to question its very existence, take the leap of faith only to land in a mud hole, find friends only to push them away, reach out only to draw back.

  I know this sounds like a pity party and I do not really mean it to sound that way.

I am not so very unhappy with my life. I have had some very wonderful, amazing moments. I have had love and joy. I have had forgiveness and peace. I have had a lot more then a lot of people ever obtain. That is not even what I am talking about.

I guess what I am trying to say is in spite of everything in my life, I have yet to understand any of the purpose or even know if it was me at all.

  Yes, I know I have heard all the wise platitudes, I have read my bible and studied it front to back. I have had my moments with Jesus and my wars with Satan. I have done what people would consider good things and I have done some very bad things. I try not to hurt people, I try to be honest and I am caring. I cry way to easily at others pain and I always try to do the right thing. I guess all of that could make me a good person.

But...deep inside I feel a darkness always lurking. I live in my mind far away from everything and everyone I know.

  I can't tell the truth that I know is inside of me because I know it would appall, alienate and push everyone I care about away and I am just not strong enough for that. I always feel a fake and a fraud and this goes far beyond the darkness in my corner.

I don't care about what my childhood was or wasn't...I don't care about any of that anymore. What I do care about is that I have no flipping clue at almost 60 years of age who I am or what the hell I am even doing here.

  I tried helping other survivors, I have volunteered with hospice, I have prayed with people who had lost almost everything and helped pick up their pieces, I have taken care of people who are sick and people who are dying. I have done a lot of things people would consider good things...and they are, but....what is inside of me is still there and its a force to be reckoned with. It is like a knife so deep that if I pulled it out I would bleed to death.

Every time I did anything I wrote about above, it was like I was always standing outside of myself watching a stranger. She deserves the credit not me...I do not feel anything remotely connected to her. I say I because this is my body and because even though I have no clue, I am connected to her.

  

I have heard her talk on the radio about her great faith in God and about her healing and about her hope and I feel a fraud. I feel as if I have stolen an identity and used it to present to the world a Judy people can love, and a Judy who can be an inspiration.

  

Somewhere inside I am an artist... but I can't even seem to draw or paint anymore. That part of me feels just as much a fraud as the rest of me. I stand back and look at the art I supposedly created only to feel disconnected and fake.

Who am I, who is Judy?

Is she even real, or just a creation of someones idea of who she is suppose to be?

I am still alive

Hey all,

Just a note to let you know I am still alive. I will try and update my blog this week. Just a lot going on....
  I really miss writing.....

Judy

My Child

My oldest son is fighting a serious disease. It has been a very hard struggle for this mom.
I am working on trying to stay positive but at the same time keep my feet on the ground, roll up my sleeves and do what needs to be done.
You know, as a mom, it is so very hard to watch a child no matter who old they are suffer. It goes against all that is in you. You carry a child for nine months, give birth, fall in love with that child from the moment they are put in your arms. You care for them in sickness and health, try to teach them everything you can so they will hopefully survive and thrive on this planet and love them unconditionally.  You don't divorce a child when they hurt you, betray you, or for that matter for any reason. At least most moms are this way....
Joshua has always been a good son. Not perfect, but a good, loving son. I have never doubted he loved this mom and still does.
I know in my heart that this is his journey, his life. There are things he needs to learn and do and this illness is a part of that journey. It is also a part of my journey.
I was never given a book when I came home from the hospital with Josh as a baby. It was all trial and error, done on instinct. I don't have a book right now that is helping through this either. This has been a journey all trial and error and instinct.
I can read my bible and find comforting passages and other great books of faith, however, I am still a mom, on the front lines hurting for my child. 
Will I lose my son to this battle? I do not know, but I do know this. He belongs to the Creator....I have to trust in the plan He has for my son. I have to trust that Joshua's journey is in good hands and that The Creator is in control of that.
If I should lose Joshua in the flesh I have to trust the Creator has a plan for me to get through that as well.
Right now, this mom feels pain...

Opinions and comments welcome

My friend DL wrote the following....
I would be interested in any opinions and comments....

Thanks,
Judy

 Have you ever considered that you might be under a mind control program called “Christianity”? (i.e. a religious matrix).    When  God - The Most High - physically tortures and kills his son on a cross, that would be considered satanic ritual abuse.  It is time for all who claim to be Christians, to re-evaluate the religion they are participating in, and let the Holy Spirit do the interpreting of scriptures.  They would discover a whole new paradigm, and a very different Jesus!(Galatians 1:11, 15-17).  The letter (a literal interpretation) kills, but the spirit gives life!

#1: Our Lord was crucified in a spiritual city, not on a piece of real estate in the Middle East. Revelation 11:8.  Paul describes the resurrection as spiritual, not physical.  Philippians 2:5; 3:10-16.

#2:  Abraham is an allegory; fable; not a real person in history.  Galatians 4:22&24. Apostle Paul.

i.e. Abraham = Brahma; Sarah =Saraswati

3.  Israel is symbolic of a spiritual transformation (See: Genesis 32:24-32 and Revelation 2:17); not a piece of real estate in the Middle East, or a state created in 1948 by the Rothschild’s. 

4.  Who is this mysterious man called Jesus Christ, really?  Apostle Paul’s (Jesus) Christ was a mystic Christ, and one that had to be birthed (unveiled) within each of us.  Galatians 1:12; 15&16; Galatians 4:19. This was the same Christ Paul found hidden within the O.T. scriptures, and Isaiah 26:17- 27:1 is an excellent example.  Christ formed within us (the bridal chamber) is the one who will slay the dragon/satan in the sea (Sea is a picture of us; humanity).   John also describes this same situation in Revelation 12.  The book of Revelation is not about past, present or future events, it is about Christ being birthed/formed in us, the temple of God and the Holy Spirit. Revelation 19:10.  Paul never met the man Jesus; his epistles were all written before the 4 gospels but at the same time as the Gospel of Thomas; he never spoke of a virgin birth or Jesus’ genealogies. Why not?   (The virgin birth and Jesus’ physical genealogies were probably created and added later to only two gospels.  Also, the pastoral epistles of 1 & 2 Timothy and Titus are rejected by notable scholars as having been written by Paul.  They contradict Paul’s Gnostic teachings.  He was never interested in building physical temples or churches.  1 Cor. 3:16&17; 6:19&20; Ephesians 2:21&22.  Jesus Christ’s second coming or appearing will never be on a piece of real estate in the Middle East!!   It’s time to wake up.  Ephesians 5:14.

Romans 12:1  I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a LIVING SACRIFICE, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service……….So why would God require his son to go through satanic ritual abuse (physical crucifixion)  and then his followers would be miraculously saved through vicariously living through someone who went through SRA?

We are told to take up our own cross, not someone else’s, and the

New day new post....

So much for the anger thing...takes too much energy and that is one thing I do not have enough of to spare.
I think too much, I am very sure of that!
Anyway I have come to the conclusion that even though I have written all through my story about satanic ritual abuse, I might need to revise it to just plain trauma based mind control. The reason is, because even though there was a lot of satanism involved, I am beginning to understand satanism was just another means to an end. I don't think that satanism was the main goal, it was just a function or part of the trauma base...
I believe there were many parts to the programing and the agenda was to control...
I am wondering if the programmers even really believed in their satanic crap. What I mean is sure they got off on it and sure they used it and did rituals etc. however, I am wondering if it was just another part of the programing and it was just a part of another days work, unfortunately some of them really enjoyed that part. SRA just brought out the worst in people who were already dead in spirit. Since they could not feel or give love in any way, SRA and the whole trauma cycle they used on others was the only way they could feel alive.
Now, I am not making an excuse for them at all! They are dead spirited people that I really can not compare to humans.
You know years ago I watched a movie called 'Dances with Wolves'. I remember the main tribe involved were talking about 'human beings'...they did not consider whites to be 'human beings' because whites in their eyes lacked human qualities and all the Indians saw was the bad side of  white soldiers and others killing animals for sport and having no respect for anything. When they took the time to know the one soldier they were shocked to discover he was compassionate and loyal and had respect for others and life around him, thus they deemed him a high honor of being a 'Human being'.
I think there is a lot of truth in that...
Although the Indians were not perfect and had their flaws they also had respect and care for others and the planet. They did not kill unless they felt a threat to their loved ones, etc....yes there was always exceptions...just like with the whites...and the soldier showed them that.
It is not always so cut and dry with humans....
Some are humans with flaws and some are not humans, in that they did not show or have one ounce of humanity or love.
So in my mind I see the perpetrators of my life as mostly non humans as I did not see any sign of humanity in them.
One things 'they' taught me was to never trust anyone or anything outside of the religion 'they' taught me. I was never to question other faiths, thoughts or even my own doubts. I was never suppose to step outside of the box I was put into. I was suppose to be a human robot controlled by non-human beings...
Guess that is what the last few months of my posts have been about, me climbing out of that box, kicking and screaming and being a human being....
 
 

This is the real me

OK, so yesterday I was thankful. Today I still am, however I am onto another place.
Lately the process of coming out of all the 'Christian' mind control programming has caused all kinds of feelings in me.
The biggest has been anger....
I am angry because of all the lies that made me to feel so worthless my whole life. I am angry because of the separation I have felt from my Creator all of my life because I was taught I was not worthy or good enough.
I am angry because of all the abuse I endured from 'Christians' telling me how God loved me, while abusing me or the more benign telling me I am going to hell every chance they got. That God demanded perfection and blood sacrifices and if I didn't follow all the rules I would burn in agony for eternity! How loving......
I am angry because my whole family has been damaged and abused by these lies!!!
You say "those were not true Christians" I beg to differ....its all been a lie. A lie to make us fear God, a lie to keep us in line and under control, a lie to keep us from thinking for ourselves....
Lies, lies, lies!!!!! 

OK, now here is where I need to clarify something... I know and love many Christians...they are good people, who have a deep faith in their religion. However, it can not be mine anymore. I wipe my hands of 'Christianity'. I do not wipe my hands of my Christian friends. I do not condemn them or think I am better or more right or anything.... this is about what I believe and feel is right for me.
I can not pretend anymore to believe something I do not believe is true.

If any of you believe its true and want to follow that religion then that is your right to believe anyway you choose however, I can not be a fake or a fraud anymore. I don't believe in any of it anymore.

Yes, I do believe the bible is more an allegory of truths then literal.
Yes, I do tend to lean more toward Gnostic teachings.

When I read and study now for the first time things are making sense. God does not seem bipolar and sadistic. 
The kingdom in within us, so that is where I am searching. 
I know my anger will abate... I am a forgiving person. I am a loving person.
I know this will sound odd, but I do not even like the idea that all the people who hurt me will suffer forever. I would like to think they will either cease to exist, or somehow they will work through their karma and change into better souls.
I need a Creator who cares for us all...gives us all many chances to get it right. 

I have thought about this a lot. I have searched my heart and soul for truth. I know that deep in my soul I do not wish for anyone to be evil and in misery forever... no one. I believe in hope. Hope that the perfection of our souls comes through trials and living life, loving, forgiving and learning until we finally evolve back into the Creator where we started.
 

I am Blessed!!!

Today is 'Thank the Creator day'!!!
I am still hanging in there!
I am alive in spite of the challenges I have each day!
I have a loving supportive husband! 
I have loving children and grandchildren!
I have supportive and loving friends!
I have a lot of people in my life who care about me!
I thank the Creator for setting me free from fear and
the pain of my past!!

I am blessed!!!

My prayer is that everyone who reads this will be
blessed too!!!!

I suppose...

I suppose most of you out there think I have gone off the deep end with my Gnostic postings and such, but truthfully this has been the most healing and has made the most sense to me then anything I was ever taught in mainline Christanity.

Jesus teachings have become more real to me and even his purpose.

I was always confused by all the contradictions in the bible, especially the bi-polar personality of The Creator. I could never justify blood sacrifice on any level either. Maybe it is because of my background, however why would any loving Creator need a blood sacrifice to absolve sin? Jesus said all you had to do was ask forgiveness and go sin no more...I never read about him demanding a blood sacrifice to cover sins. In any case if anyone has ever been through the horrible ritual of a human or even an animal sacrifice, I can promise you, you would not understand blood sacrifices on any level!!!

So have I lost my salvation because I do not believe Jesus had to die to absolve our sins? I do believe he died because he was trying to set people free from religious programming, then somehow his death got turned into another horrible religion. 

Oh well, that is just my thoughts...I need a God who is not into blood, destruction, and eternal damnation. I need a God who is into love, forgiveness and hope.

Maybe I am naive, or maybe I am just tired of all the fighting, dissension, judging, unforgiveness, blood shed and being scared of a Creator's horrible wrath and destruction.

Reading the bible as an allegory has made it more real and  beautiful then I ever thought possible. I am totally relearning what the bible is about. I am totally relearning what my Creator and my life is about. For the first time in my life I am beginning to feel real peace and hope in my soul for all humankind. I am starting to see a beautiful laid out tapestry of life designed my a wonderful, loving Creator whom we are all an aspect of. It is our choice to follow the Kingdom within or follow the flesh without. Its a battle to be sure and we are all on different roads, however I am beginning to understand that that narrow road leads within.

This is my journey...I hope that even you all who do not agree with me can still love me and be my friend. I am not trying to convert anyone, however, I have to be true to who I am and to my Creator as I understand. I am tired of pretending...

Love and Prayers,
Judy