Hello

It has been a very trying time for me this past year and that is putting it lightly.

I try very hard to find the light at the end of the tunnel and I also try making compost out of the crap that goes on in my life for my proverbial garden, however, sometimes I feel as if I have sunk more than waste deep in that compost. I had to say all of that because I needed to be honest. I know you all out there are dealing with as many if not more issues and challenges then I have and I want no illusions that I am some kind of saint that walks around in a bubble always smiling and praising God. Lately I have yelled at the Creator, pleaded with Him, whined at Him, did just about everything, acting like an annoying kid.

I have to admit I have a long list of things that are probably worthy of complaining about this past year none the less I have also had a lot of things happen that have been worthy of much praise and thankfulness. I guess we all can get caught up in the crap in our lives so much that we forget about the good and positive things.

One of the biggest issues has been why the bad guys always seem to get off scot free? That has always been a real issue in my life. I have seen more pervs & perps get away with horrible things and still come out shining and getting by with what they do. I get so mad when I hear “oh they will get theirs later”. Is that supposed to make me feel better when they are still out there destroying lives?

OK, so that has been my main rant at GOD. Why do the bad still get to be bad? Why do the innocent still get used, abused and hurt? I often hear “well it is not for us to understand, we just need to trust God”. OK, whatever, but it still upsets me especially when it is my children and grandchildren whose lives are being destroyed. But then again I get pretty upset when I see anyone’s children and grandchildren’s lives destroyed. When is this ever going to end?

I think I cried all day Monday, my heart just breaking over one of my children. I felt as if I would have to die to get past that pain. I ranted at God and stomped and hit a few things mostly to vent my frustration at feeling so useless and powerless. Living in a cold storage building, my eyes going bonkers, all of it was nothing to the pain I was feeling over my child. So what is different about today?

Well not a lot but then again everything. My child is still lost and in a dangerous lifestyle, I still live in a cold storage building, and my eyes are still giving me problems. (I did find out yesterday that my eye problems mostly stemmed from stress and severe dry eye, so I am not going blind!!! Yeah!!!)

What has changed is that even though I lost it and really fell apart I am still here. My God did not leave me and He did not turn away. No things are not where I would like them to be but then again I have to look back and remember…. Nothing is as bad as it has been in the past for me. Except maybe my child that is in danger of losing her life and when it comes to my children…well I am a mom now and always on this planet anyway. I think most of you can relate to that.

So here I am again writing about my weaknesses and my victories, ups and downs and all a rounds.  I always want to be honest with everyone who reads my words and let you all know; I struggle and struggle a lot. The things I struggle with are pretty much the same things you all struggle through as well. I do better at times then at other times and I am stronger at times then at other times. But I have to say that when I am at my weakest and worst the Father manages to let at least one of you if not more, know that I am in a bad place and I always get a word of encouragement and loads of prayers and tons of love to help keep me keep ‘in on.

It is like getting spiritual hugs and kisses from the Creator through all of you.

You all matter to me and matter a great deal. It always amazes me how much so many of you care and love me even though you have probably never laid eyes on me. But what amazes me even more is that I feel so close to most of you. Every time I talk over the phone or get a card or e-mail it is like a conversation starting up at a place where we left off before. You all are no strangers to me. You all are part of me, in my heart and connected to my spirit in a very precious way.

That is why I could never judge any of you or think any less of your struggles, because you all are a part of my life in a very awesome way and the Lord has put a huge amount of love in me for you. And the amazing thing is, you all seem to love me, warts and all! : )

We are in this fight together. I have no doubt about that at all. I am just so very glad and thankful, that I am in this fight with you all on my side!

Love & Prayers Always!

Judy