I have been trying so hard to write that book I think I need to do. But then I wonder what difference it will really make to anyone, even me.
The past year the struggles of just trying to stay a float and not drown in my own muck is getting harder and harder.
I have to stay focused for several reasons, one of which is my son. I think he is starting to sink a bit as well.
Trying to raise money to even get on a transplant list is getting harder and harder to achieve. People just don't want to let go of anything on this planet. Not even the people I thought would. He is so down hearted because he feels no one really gives a dam, and how can I tell him any different? He said 'you know mom, I think if I asked for an Xbox fund I would have better results!' He may be right. Life is cheap on this planet.
I am contemplating leaving my husband in the future because I know I may have to care for my son and we don't have a place here for me to do it. We have tried every way to get a bath and an extra room but nothing is working. We have responsibilities here my husband can't leave and so it is what it is.
The family who would help can't and the ones who can help won't. Same with the few friends I thought I had. The ones who want to help can't and the ones who can won't. What amazes me is the ones who try are the ones who have least. Amazing...
We do have a fundraiser coming up by some biker people in October. That amazes me because these people don't even know us, yet are willing to help. I just pray it will be enough to get on the transplant list or at least help him with medical expenses.
I don't like asking anyone for help. Even as a child I hated it. Mostly because I knew it would do no good, however through the years I have found the most kindness has always come from strangers and my older sister and a few dear friends who always do what they can in spite of their own problems. I could always count on them. But now my sister is caring for our mom and has a plate full of her own and many of them have equally full plates, yet they are still willing to help. Even if it is prayers and words of encouragement. I hear a lot of others say... 'we will help' but none really do.The ones who could call my son and encourage him won't and don't or even offer to take him out for lunch or supper or even invite him over. None of them bring him a sack of groceries or offer a few dollars for gas money to help out. You know small things that don't take much. Most of them are really into church and well we know church is more important then people. I also hear a lot say 'God will provide' but words are cheap and he is my son, not theirs to worry about losing or see hurting.
I feel as if my whole family is falling apart...
We are all hurting. I know I should be glad and praise God for all things, but I do not feel so much like praising anyone right now.
I am angry. I am angry at God and I am angry at so many people out there that do not give a shit about anything, yet are always preaching Gods love.
If anyone reading this feels like I am stepping on their toes, then maybe you need to check your heart. The ones who have been there for me through the years and my son...well they know who they are.
I am just so tired... so tired of trying to survive this soulless, selfish planet!!!!
1 comment:
Judy,
I have not been through nor could REALLY imigine what you have been through. But I know you life, story and testimony has been a source of inspiration and in many ways showing God's glory and mercy. While Jesus never promised an easy life or an easy path, I do pray for His blessings and mercy and kindness and provision and health to you - because in my opinion - you deserve better!
- Lee
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