I feel very tired

I spent some time last night trying to figure out how to deal with everything going on inside of me.
I spent the night before going over bible scriptures.
I have come to some conclusions...
According to the bible here is how I see it...
God either heals and restores or allows everything to be taken away and lets you get killed. Either way we are suppose to rejoice.
I guess I am not Job because if all my kids were killed, getting new kids in the end would just not replace the loss of the ones I lost.
I guess I am not Noah because I don't feel like getting drunk. 
I guess I am not David because I don't want an adulterous affair or really want to have an innocent person killed.
I guess I am not Abraham because I do not want to sacrifice any of my kids.
I guess I am not an apostle because I really do not want to die a martyrs death.  
I am not a god because I do not condone human sacrifice on any level.
I am suppose to pray for my abusers... then I pray they are stopped.
I am suppose to forgive... then I ask for forgiveness because I can not be anything like the bible says I am suppose to be. As for my abusers? If you put it into my heart, God, I will forgive them, otherwise it is not in me. They are evil and have hurt too many, including my children and are still going on.I get no satisfaction in the thought that they will get theirs in the end because they are still out there hurting now.
I have tried my whole life to see the good side, to forgive, to hang in there and hope for a better day. After almost 57 years I get some good days but in general I am seeing less and less of those.
I am told I need to think positive as that will attract positive. So far that has not worked for me either.
I cry out to God and all I get is silence.
I spent years praising Him for every little thing in my life. I guess he felt better. I felt forgotten.
I am told I am so special that the devil see me as a threat. I seriously doubt that. I just want God to see me as worthy. I am so far from being worthy.
I prayed last night one final desperate prayer.
Please take away all desires of my heart. Just let me spend the rest of my life being content with where I am at. If I lose it all let me be OK with losing. Just stop this ache in my heart.
If I never get my family back let me be OK with that. If my son dies let me be OK with that. If I never have a real home, let me be OK with that. If this planet implodes let me be OK with that. After all I have always been told you have a plan.
So if you have a plan, let me be OK with that.
But oh how I wish I could just die...I hate this place!!!
But if I have to live... let me be OK with that.
Just please GOD take away the desires of my heart and get rid of this ache!!!