Passion
pas·sion
noun \ˈpa-shən\
:
a strong feeling of enthusiasm or excitement for something or about
doing something
:
a strong feeling (such as anger) that causes you to act in a
dangerous way
:
a strong sexual or romantic feeling for someone
The
term is also often applied to a friendly or eager interest in or
admiration for a proposal, cause, or activity or love –
to a feeling of unusual excitement, enthusiasm or
compelling emotion, a positive affinity or
love, towards a subject. It is particularly used in the context of
romance or sexual desire though it generally implies a deeper or more
encompassing emotion than that implied by the term lust.
OK,
so today I felt like writing about passion or maybe lack there of.
What I have been wondering is how many people have a real passion for
anything in their lives.
I
have felt passion from time to time I suppose. Maybe in lust a few
times and certainly in anger many times however that is not what I am
really talking about in this particular blog entry. What I am talking
about is passion in life, such as writing, music, art, nature,
religion, etc.
I
have gone on tangents from time to time about things. I collected
trains for a while with a lot of enthusiasm, as well as lighthouses,
dolls for a short time and now keys. But I have to admit I never
really hold onto my enthusiasm for any length of time. I think my
obsessions with trains, lighthouses, dolls and keys have more to do
with my psychology at the time then anything.
I
am an artist and a bit of a writer I suppose however, I am not
passionate because if I was I would put more into it then I do. I
love books as read quite a lot but I would not call that a passion
either. I also love to research things and learn but I do that is a
half hazard way as well, without putting my whole self in it. I love
nature but when I am out in it I always feel so disconnected just
like I do anywhere I am at on this planet. I love music and have some
natural talent however I have no real passion for that either. I love
my husband, family and children etc. however, I often feel very
disconnected to them. I love God but I put about as much passion in
my relationship with Him as I do anything else and usually feel very
disconnected to Him. So what is wrong with me??? Why am I such a
freak?
I
wonder if my lack of really connecting to anything or anyone might be
because of all the splits I have had in my Psyche? Is it because I
am somehow defective? Is it because I am missing something inside of
me and I am not right? Is it because I am not all human? I guess if I
have one passion, it would be finding out why I feel so passionless
for anything in my life.
I
am not saying I have a bad life and that I do not care about
anything. I am very emotional and cry at the drop of a hat. I hurt
when I see someone else hurting and I have compassion. I am not dead
inside. I just do not have any connection to my life or myself. It is
almost like I am always in a body that is not mine and looking
through eyes that are not mine and living a life that is not mine.
Even when I paint or write I feel as if I am a fraud and it is not my
art or words. What I am trying to convey right now feels like I am
borrowing someone else to help me convey what I am feeling.
Does
that mean I am still broken and split in such a way I can never be a
whole person?
Does
anyone else out there feel this way? Does anyone have any real
answers?
HELP!!!
I FEEL TRAPPED!!!
3 comments:
Hi Judy,
The lack of passion or enjoyment to being in 'this world' is understandable...and I would say quite normal for the lamb wandering around here - a stranger in a strange land.
Keep praying for Him to show you what you need to do, or say, or write here - and to just make it tolerable.
There is just so much worldly and fake spiritual pollution and 'ways that may seem right' to us (and the church), that we really do need Jesus as a savior. I need His words and His being to show me, know me and help me along as much as He's willing. And I need his mercy and forgiveness for all the times I screw up, and His wisdom and discernment to wade through all the muck and dysfunction in the news, entertainment and politics.
You give me inspiration and make me think. That helps me realize my complete need for the Lord and fellowship with His children - like you!
Blessings to you always - Lee
Feeling disconnected from God can be repaired pretty easily if you can get down inside your dissociative inner world and request a face-to-face meeting. I can't retrieve memories of doing so because it is insanely hard for us to access our inner world memories from the body...but I do know that those alters who have attempted it got life-changing results. This is the website where we first learned it was possible:
http://www.net-burst.net/help/multiple-personalities.htm
On the other kinds of passion, I know some of us used to be passionate about our novels...but that turned out to be programming, and now we have no idea what the heck we should be doing with ourselves. It doesn't really bother us, though, because we realize that there is a lot going on inside. The fronters get kind of antsy having to keep this collective life warm with little apparent reward, not even knowing their own pasts or being able to identify where their feelings come from, but for that reason the leaders have made a rule that each person may hold the body for no more than three days at a time. That seems to keep everyone emotionally stable. It's weird to be the only human/system we've ever heard of that takes intentional shifts like that, but it serves us better than our original programmed configuration, in which many alters were layered near the front so that their feelings were continually overlapping and conflicting in indecipherable ways. We were shocked at how many people admitted to being coauthors of our novels, but it explains why each author always felt like the plot wasn't going as they intended! But nowadays we are very careful of tainting one others' freedom of thought and apologize when we are accidentally coconscious without permission. If there is one thing we have become collectively passionate about, it is one another's welfare, and for that reason I suspect that we will not integrate regardless of what any counselors or educational packets recommend. So there might not be anything in our situation that is relevant to yours, in which case I apologize.
[Also please delete this if it double-posts. Sorry!]
Maria,
Thank you for your insight. You have helped me more then you know.
I will check into that like you shared.
Blessings to you!
Judy
Post a Comment