Maybe I am lost, maybe I am found?

Hello all,

     I know that it has been awhile since I have updated my blog and it appears that the time between my entries is getting further and further apart. The truth is, as always, I have a lot on my mind and the problem is, I cannot seem to find a way to express all the jumbles going on in my brain.

     The past few years have been a real struggle for me in the fact that I have had to rethink everything I thought I ever knew about my belief system. The deeper I have searched for truth and answers the harder it has been for me to find either. All I ever seem to come up with is more questions.

     I have been afraid to be really honest with much of anyone especially here on my blog because in truth I figured most of you would write me off. I really dread that however, because most of you have become dear friends and I feel the disappointment you would feel towards me would sadden me so very much. But it is getting to the point in my life where I feel as if I am a fake or worse yet a fraud and that is not the person I ever wanted to be on any level.

So at the risk of losing the few of you out there who have become my friends, here is my attempt at honesty and where I am at ( or not at) spiritually.

     A few years ago as I struggled with my memories and a new level of my healing it occurred to me that I was not happy with the answers I had always taken for granted in my belief system. I prayed a lot (and still do) that the Good Lord would show me the truth about things and give me the peace that has always seemed to allude me no matter how hard I tried to do the right things. I grew very dissatisfied with the bible and the mixed messages it gives. I mean it seems to me that the God portrayed in the old testament is at best bipolar and at worse has multiple personality disorder.

     I could never understand how he could hate and love with ease, back and forth. I mean it all seems to contradictory to me. The only answer anyone could ever give me was 'God's ways are not our ways so we are not meant to understand'. Sorry that just does not cut it for me anymore. How can I possibly trust and serve a God who is so unpredictable and harsh. I mean the old testament is full of fear and vengeance and horrible judgments for a stupid bunch of humans who are always at a disadvantage. The new testament is not really any better. I mean we are always referred to as sheep and everyone knows how stupid sheep are. We are born supposedly into sin and we spend our whole lives fighting our sinful bodies and minds only to also be fighting devils and creeps at the same time. We have but a few short years on this planet to get it right and if we blow it we are supposedly sent to a place of torment for eternity to suffer the consequences of being a dumb sheep who blew it. Wow I sure feel loved. I am so glad my kids do not have to worry about me doing that to them if they blow it. As imperfect as my love is I sure feel as if I can do better then that!

     Then as if that is not enough we have all the blood sacrifices to deal with. I mean doesn't it make perfect sense that there needs to be blood to drown our sins away? Kill an animal or kill a man...sigh...I used to think I understood it all but it still makes no sense to me. I mean Jesus was forgiving people before he died. He had the power to forgive and we have the power to forgive. Why does anyone have to die for that? All the rituals I have ever been to involved some sort of death and blood. Why would a loving Creator require more of the same?                        I used to think it was to show us that we could kill him and he would still love us and he was the unsinkable God thus making him the true God, but in truth that makes no sense to me either. Even being the dumb sheep that I am it is easy for me to believe in a Creator of all who is all loving, all knowing and all forgiving. I don't need him to decide to be a man for a while, to die to prove it and really not die.

     I really do not think Jesus came for that reason either. I think he came to show us a better way, to lead us away from the bondage of religion and fear and show us how to love one another as he loves us and as the Creator loves us. Jesus was an ambassador of God, His chosen son who came to lead us away from bondage and into love. Man perverted his message and made it into another form of bondage. Man killed him because it is much more prosperous for 'them' to keep people in bondage and the easiest way is through religion. Religion divides people, divide and conquer.

     A lot of the new testament even contradicts itself. I am not saying I don't believe anything in the bible, but what I am saying is that I just don't believe it is the perfect word of God. There is a lot of truth and good things in that book but it is not perfect. No book on this planet is perfect but a lot of books have some really good truths and things to say. In my opinion you have to dig deep to find the gems of the bible as so much has been changed and twisted. But that is my opinion. I have gotten a lot of comfort from the bible but I have also been very disturbed and confused by it. All of the best Satanists I have known can quote the bible better then anyone on the planet and as shocking as it sounds they really believe in it. They endorse it and they teach it, they even have schools dedicated to teaching it.

     I believe the Creator speaks to His people through their hearts. He does not need a book. He can use it if He chooses, He can use anything but He is not limited to anything.

     When I was growing up I tried very hard to be good so God would love me. When I went to church I felt even worse. I knew I would always be a dumb, sinful sheep. Especially if I believed in what I was taught at church. Then I was taught that if I just believe in Jesus/GOD and that he was a human sacrifice so I could be forgiven for being created as a sinful, stupid sheep,then I would be saved and not go to hell where I would suffer forever. I felt even worse because I was born so bad that someone had to die just like in the rituals of human sacrifice I saw as a child. I often thought it would be better if I just went to hell and maybe not so many would have to die in a ritual, especially Jesus who was so good. Talk about confusing!!! And to this day I am still not satisfied with the answers people give me for all of this.

     So that is enough for now...I shall continue this later. I need a rest.