Raw Thoughts

                                                 Raw thoughts

I am not sure how this is going to come out as I write, but I am going to just let it flow.

I wrote about finding peace last time and that was good. The problem is in staying in that place.

I just can not seem to hang onto it for any length of time.

I often wonder if I am a freak, or if I am just a serious defective.

I listen to Christians talk their bible talk about perfect peace in Christ, and other religious people finding their peace in religious icons, rituals or meditation etc. but as for me? Well...I just seem to wrestle with everything in me and around me all the time.

I fight depression, I fight anger, I fight the injustice of this planet, I fight my surroundings, I fight myself.

I wonder? Does everyone feel with this much intensity, with this much restlessness, with this much feeling?

My soul is always hungry for truth but rarely seems satisfied with what it finds, or supposedly answers given.

My quest for God always leaves me feeling lacking inside and running around in circles chasing the illusive.

Once in a blue moon I feel as if there is a Creator listening and active in my life, but on the whole I feel alone.

I feel I lack what others seems so satisfied with.

Is there a destiny for my life? Is there some unwritten plan?

If I survived the atrocities of my youth for some unexplained reason, why do I always feel so useless and alone?

Why do I feel as if the Creator is so far away from anything I am attached to?

Yes, I have seen some good things in my life, no I am not hungry, except in my soul. But for everything good I have ever had, I have lost way more.

Truthfully I don't ever take for granted what is good in my life because it always gets taken away.

I was told all of my life that this life is not real, not my home, just a passing through place.

Maybe that is true. But I do know that even a passing through place is there for a reason.

If it is to make me a better person, then I have failed. I think I was a much better person in my ignorance. But then I don't think I was ever a really good person. I have always been a person trying to be good.

I've tried not to hurt others but have hurt many in my efforts to not hurt.

I feel a fraud in my own body, like it is borrowed from someone else. And when I give it back they will be mad I ever borrowed it because I did not ask in the first place.

Why can I not ever feel 'right and content' inside myself? I only ever get glimpses of it now and then, just enough to make me want more.

I crave that intense, sure place with my Creator.

I get glimpses of that as well, but only enough to make me feel lost and empty the rest of the time.

I feel as if I am a fraud, a fake.

I want to help others, but can not even help myself.

I want to give hope, but mostly feel hopeless within myself.

I thought at this point in my life I would have some clarity, some clear answers about who I am and what I am suppose to be about.

But all I am and all I feel, is lost. Lost to me, lost to God, lost to the everything around me.

Instead of color, I feel I am many shades of gray.

I am a survivor, but a survivor of what? Life?

I want to be more. I want my life to mean more. When I die, I don't just want to be a grease spot, on a map, of a place that survived.

Right now, that is what I feel like I am.