Epiphany!!!

I think I might be getting to the bottom of my depression that I have been fighting for so long. I had a kind of epiphany last night, I guess you call it.

I think I have been fighting who I am as a multiple. Yes I am pretty my integrated and for sure I am co-conscious. But the problem in the process of trying to be whole, I have lost some of the best parts of me.

I feel like a watered down version of myself. The back and white with shades of gray version. There has been no color to me in a very long time. I realize that the color comes from the parts who held my creativity and uniqueness. I have been so focused on survival I have forgotten the art of living. I don't think the Creator ever intended that. And a huge part of living is creating.

We are all given gifts and I have shoved mine so far down, for so long that I lost any kind of zest for life. We might live on a hurting planet however, that is no excuse to stop being the humans we were created to be. I stopped being anything remotely related to who I am a good while back.

I think my housing situation has been bothering me so much, because it reflects what I thought was wrong with me. The thing I have been fighting to control.

I live in two unfinished storage buildings, connected by a bridge of sorts, you might call a porch. I think the reason it was bothering me so much was the disconnection of it all. I have been so focused on being connected, whole and in control that I lost sight of everything else. My housing situation just reflected how disconnected, unfinished and out of control I really was.

Instead of embracing the differences and parts in me and letting them work together, I was pushing everything down. All of the good stuff with the bad. Thus I was depressed. And I have been for a very long time.

My housing situation is as unique as I am, so I think instead of fighting it, I need to find ways of embracing it and letting it work together.

I guess this is a starting point. And a starting point is a beginning.