Joshua, my son

You know this would be a wonderful time for the Creator to say ENOUGH!

However, since I still have to live on this planet, surviving and dealing with it is the order of business I guess.

I have been through many things as most if you who read my blog know.

I have been through so pretty bad stuff in my life. But I have to say right now nothing I have been through has prepared me for having a child who is so sick and I might see him go before me.

I guess it is a mother's heart. No matter what the brain says the heart rules with your children no matter how old they are.

I keep having flashbacks of when Joshua was a baby and when he was a toddler and a young boy. He was always a happy, easy going kid. He was affectionate and loving. He still is. A bit sarcastic like his mom maybe...but a good man, a good person, a good dad and a wonderful son!

Why his liver had to die is anyone's guess. He never drank, did drugs or even smoked. We think he might have been fighting this all his life but no one understood or picked it up early enough to change the course.

I know there is suppose to be a plan in all of this but right now with a mommas heart I just can not see it.

He is my son, I love him and why wasn’t this me instead of him? He has two young sons to raise who need and love him. My kids are grown... I am expendable. God it hurts so much and it will not go away.

I will be his caregiver through this ordeal and if everything goes well then he might live a pretty full life. Even if he is on anti rejection drugs and such. At least it will buy him time to raise his boys. But that is if he can get a new liver before his body gives up. That is of the new liver likes its new home. There is a lot of unknowns and a lot of pain and work ahead for us all.

The Doctors say his mind could go and that scares him the most. He might be able to work and live alone for some time before the transplant, however he is already in stage 4 the final stage and he might not get to live alone or work much longer. He has always been very responsible. He pays his child support and beyond and the boys are with him a lot. He is a very hands on dad. He knows at some point I am going to have to care for him and that bothers him. He wants to be a man and care for himself. I do understand.

Anyway we are trying like crazy to figure out a new housing arrangement for when I have to care for him. Because of circumstances out if our control we have to live where we are. Right now we found a house to be moved in pretty good shape for 15,000.00 We need a septic system and some work on the house we found but could probably swing it all at 25,000.00

On top of that we have to set up a fund to raise a lot of money for Joshua’s transplant. He has to have several thousand dollars to just get on the list.

So that is where we are now... I know that none of you are rich and I am not asking for money so much as I am asking for miracles and a lot of prayer. I will be posting links for donations and ways to raise funds for Joshua’s transplant soon. As for the house situation that is a separate thing not connected to Joshua’s fund. However it is connected to caring for Josh.

So with a heavy heart I leave you all today. I know that a lot of you pray for me everyday. I feel those prayers and that is what is keeping me going.

Thank you all so much!!!

Love & Prayers back too you all!

Judy