What is Forgivness and other thought...

What is forgiveness?

I am wondering if there really is such a thing. I mean I thought I had forgiven my dad for all he put me through and allowed to happen to me but when he died a few months ago I discovered that maybe un-forgiveness was still lurking in the far reaches of my heat. I always thought I was a pretty forgiving person but maybe that is what I wanted to believe. When people tell me the Jesus died so my sins could be forgiven and for my sins to be forgiven I had to forgive, I never much questioned what that might mean.

To be sure my sins are pretty far reaching and even though I strive to be a decent, caring person I fail more often than not. Let’s face it us humans were brought into this world pretty much at a deficit. No matter how much we might strive to do the right thing and be a good person we fail at that attempt. So what is the point of all of this? I can forgive and I can try to forget but both are almost impossible. No matter how much I try to forgive, I always have to go back and work on the same issues. If that is not bad enough I always have to deal with new and improved issues.

I concede that some people are just plain bone bad and evil to the core however; most of us are tired humans trying to survive this messed up planet and life we are given. We try and find some meaning for why we are here and for what we endure while we are here but in the end I really do not think any of us have a flipping’ clue.

I hear people blame disasters on unrepentant sinners, homosexuals, and any numbers of things to give some reason for ‘shit happens’. But let’s face it, shit does happen! I mean why do some people get to be born in trash dumps, live their live there and die there? Why are some people born into pain, live in pain and die in pain? Are they bad? Did they do something so horrible before birth that they have to pay? Did their parents or grandparents do something so bad that they have to pay? I have heard that people are cursed into several generations for what their ancestors might have done. Does that seem right? I have heard that we should never question God because He has a plan and we are too stupid to get it or that if we follow certain rituals of prayer and deliverance we can overcome those curses. Truthfully I have never seen anyone really overcome much of anything. I have only seen people survive and keep going or die trying.

Do I sound cynical? Well, probably… sigh. I spent a huge part of my life trying to survive a God who never seemed to interfere ‘when shit happened’. It was suppose to make me stronger or something in the end. Do I feel ripped off? No, not really because I always knew that my faith only had the strength to carry me through not deliver me from. I am convinced that the God of the Christian churches is not the same Creator of all. Why do I think that? Well because if He is then He is always changing his mind about things, always upset at us and really has very little forgiveness in him. He requires a lot of ritual and hoopla and he closes his eyes to the sin he is suppose to oppose. The God of the Christian churches demands perfection while claiming he does not expect that from us. He claims to have created us in perfection only for us to be imperfect. He is a ton of contradictions.

Then we are taught that there is light and dark, good and evil, them and us. So who is them and who is us? You know the good guys and the bad guys? Let’s see… there are the Christians who have said the sinners prayer, ‘Good guys?’ and those who have not…’Bad guys?’ Hummm, so let’s see where that leaves us. Are the bad guys anyone who is not a professed Christian? Are the bad guys the demons, illuminati, all other religions, non-believers, homosexuals, etc, etc? Ok, I have known Christians who do some pretty horrible things however, since they are Christians I guess they are exempt and all the rest are in trouble. Oh yeah all the others will burn forever in the dark recesses of hell. Oh, man I forgot the Jews..They are chosen so that means they are exempt from being that bad guys as well. So let’s get this straight. The good guys are Christians and Jews and the bad guys are everyone else. As long as you do what you do in the name of Christ I guess that makes it ok. Sin can then be subjective. So I guess that is why all the guys on TBN can do what they do and still be the good guys. So I guess hating and blaming Muslims and homosexuals for all our problems is ok if you do it in the name of Christ. Killing them is probably ok too, If you do it in the name of Christ. So I guess forgiveness is subjective as well?

I have heard that this country was founded on Christian principles. That may be true but are they the principles of the Creator? The Masons believe in the supreme architect and they also believe in serving a supreme God and they also worship other gods. They founded this country and dedicated it to those gods from the very beginning. They did not make it a secret, they did it is plain sight however; most professing Christians refuse to see the blatantly phallic and esoteric symbols all over every government building in this country, especially in Washington D.C. on our flag, our money, our state seal. They really believe that this country went bad when the Ten Commandments were taken down and prayer was stopped in schools. They talk about the good old days but were they really good? Or were those days just part of the illusion. Maybe bad people did not seem so bad then because they hid it better. Now bad is all in plain sight. Hey, maybe that is the problem, what you do not see cannot be there.

If this is a Christian nation then we need to really rethink what being a Christian is. I am sure Christ the Savior would not approve of what we have had here from the beginning. All I know is that my whole life has been filled with contradictions and they have all centered on religion and God. Maybe the Creator of all is not who you think He is. Maybe we have all been lied to from the beginning. Maybe if we dare we need to reach deep down into our souls and cry out for Him to reveal the truth of who He is to us and to show us the errors of our ways. Then we might need to learn to forgive all the people who duped us over and over in their own ignorance.

Maybe I am as wrong as a person can be. Maybe I am one of the bad guys. Maybe I am onto some truth. Maybe just a small piece but some truth just the same. All I know is that I have never found a God worth serving in a church. I have found Him in my own small corner crying out from the depths of my soul.

Will He forgive me my unbelief? Will He forgive me my questions? Will he forgive me for being human? Will He forgive me for denying my Christian roots? Will He forgive me for questioning the bible as being all His words? Will He forgive me while I learn to forgive?