Well I am sure you all are very tired of hearing about my struggles but since this is my blog and it is a safe place to vent….well that is what I tend to do.
I took my 8 year old grandson yard selling this morning. He loves that and we have not done it in a while. Anyway I found this interesting mirror for a $1.00 and after a short debate with myself I bought it. Someone had taken a broken mirror and glued all the pieces on a canvas in a collage pattern and then framed it. For some reason I loved it and it spoke to all the broken parts of me. Oh I can lie and say I am whole and wonderful but even I know how shattered I still am in many ways.
I have had a hidden alter as of late poking out and jabbing me a bit. I am not sure who she is or why she is poking at me now but I suspect she has some new memories for me to rewind. I had a night full of dreams Wed. night where all I did was either help deliver unwanted babies or I was in labor myself about to give birth. I woke in a very odd mood to say the least. I have been wondering what those dreams are about Are they memories of sorts or are they telling me I am about to give birth to something else in my memory bank? I was once told by a friend that when he gets depressed he knows it is God trying to speak to him. Well I have been wondering if this odd depression I have been fighting is maybe the Father trying to get my attention. Maybe He has some memories and past issues that need to be tended to and this is the time.
Whatever, but in any case I have been having some really weird allergy symptoms and I do not normally have allergy problems except with my skin, so it makes me think something else is triggering it. I am also having a huge problem staying in the present when I do anything for any length of time. Writing this is a challenge because my head wants to float off. I keep hearing someone calling my name at odd times also. Am I nuts?
So, there it is all out there for everyone to see. I am a potential nut case. : ) No seriously I really would like to know if any other survivors out there are going through this sort of thing. I am sure the memories will blast me soon but I am guessing it is another part of my healing.
I was remembering last night (I could not sleep well for some reason) about when I was a kid. I was not a bad kid in the bad kid sense but I had my issues with right and wrong. In spite of all the trauma and abuse I was enduring I had some fairly normal kid moments. I remember once when I was 10, that I really wanted this doll for some reason. I only had about a dollar and she cost a couple of dollars. I wanted her so bad that I switched the price tag off of something else that was a dollar and bought her. As I was walking home I remember feeling so guilty but not so guilty as to take her back and confess. Anyway I never did enjoy that doll and do not know where she ended up. My next wave of crime came when I was around 12 or 13. I did a short shoplifting stint. I did not steal anything big mostly 45’s, pens and such. The biggest thing I took was a Barbie for a kid who did not have one. I guess I thought that vindicated me? My crime wave lasted about a month and I found it totally unsatisfying so I quit. Mostly I felt guilty.
I went through a lying faze when I was about 12. I told huge lies about my dad. I told everyone how cool he was and I had this whole fantasy life made up. That did not last too long either. I always wrestled with right and wrong and I never really understood the concept of boundaries as a kid. I would let anyone treat me like crap and then come back for more. My way of dealing was going it alone most of the time.
When I was 13 I remember going down to the creek with a couple of local boys and a girlfriend. I guess we were supposed to have sex with the boys. I was not sure what I was supposed to do but it never occurred to me to say no even thought I did not want to go. Even after 40 years I can still feel the shame and humiliation of this incident, but one thing I learned that day was this. Even if I did not understand boundaries and even if I did not know I had the right to say no I decided that I would do my best to find ways to avoid such situations in the future because this one really hurt me.
I was such a broken and confused little girl trying to make sense out of a world that had no sense. As a grown woman so many years later I can still feel that little girl curled up inside trying to find a safe place to feel good about herself and still trying to make sense out of a crazy world.
I guess I wrote all of that to say this… I had a moral code inside of me all along even if everyone who was suppose to care for me ( and otherwise) tried to abuse it out of me. If the Creator puts something that deep inside of us then it stands to reason that His children will follow that code in the end even if it is hit and miss. Maybe the enemies’ of our souls really cannot separate us from the Love of God as He is written in our hearts with His code.
If an abused and traumatized young girl who had been taught that bad is good and good in bad can still find a moral code inside of herself, then it seems to me that all of His children have the same hope. Maybe we are not all bad as we are always told and lead to believe? Maybe there is a lot of good inside of us and that is what pushes us on towards the call if His voice. He calls to the code of Himself that He put inside of his children. And as His children we respond. Maybe not right away and maybe with a lot of detours and wrong turns but in the end we respond and come home to Him that created us.
That is all I have to say for today…
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