Hey There, Miss me?

Pray you all had a nice Holiday season...
Mine was nice but busy...

Today I am writing about depression....might be a fit subject since all if the Holiday stuff and a New untried year ahead.

Anyway that is what I am dealing with so here goes...

You know one of the things I like about having my own blog is that I can write about anything I want. I don't have to please a certain group of people or worry about being politically correct or any of that stuff. I can just write about whatever is on my mind or my heart. Who ever decides to read this can always choose not too.

So today I feel like writing about depression....because like most normal people living on this planet, depression is something that tends to lerk just around that corner waiting to trip us up when we least expect it too. At least that is the way it is for me.

I am bopping along pretty well and then BAM!!! I hit the proverbial wall. I should know the signs..Lord knows it is not a new thing for me but none the less I always seem to get blind sighted just the same.

Most of the time I think I am a pretty up-beat person. I try to be in any case. I try to spend my days pushing on and doing what I think the Father would have me doing while I am on this planet. I admit that some days getting out of bed is hard at best.As a survivor of long time trauma and abuse my body has taken a toll and complains way more then I am happy about. I still fight those endless headaches and my emotions can get all over the place if I am not very careful.

My faith has kept me going this far so I know that is one thing I won't give up however in spite of the fact I can feel very separated from my Creator at times. I often think about Job and his delima. The Father told the enemy he could do whatever basically he wanted to Job, he just could not kill him. When I hear stories from other Survivors and listen to the pain pouring out of their hearts I really understand how they feel and what they are going through. I know from my own life that although we get reprieves from the onslaught of pain and heartache as long as we live in this world we will be persecuted and be fighting a battle. I don't know about you but fighting battles are painful and hard. My Father gives me strength to keep fighting the good fight of faith however I am still a human in a very human body and I for one have not been able to completely overcome my human-ness.

The Father gives me peace, love and a sound mind, so that is a promise I hang onto with all I have in me to hang with..and when I run our of hanging power I remember He has taken the slack for that one.
But...I still fight depression. When I was a church goer I was always told I had to be some upbeat, positive person and when I was not it was because I had somehow failed. So I did not talk about how I really felt much to anyone and I still find it very hard to reach out when I am struggling.

 I have been very blessed to have this blog to vent on..and even more blessed to receive all the nice encouragement and prayers from other true believers out there. No condemnations...no reprimands, just loving compassion. And sometimes that is all we need. We do not need to be told what we are doing is wrong all the time. Especially when we are fighting depression.

I have been told that depression is anger turned inward. I think in a lot of cases that is true. I also think it can be from unforgiveness and then there are times it is just because we are too tired. I think my depressions are in many cases anger and unforgiveness. The anger is usually when I have memories that are trying to come to the surface and my mind is fighting to keep them hidden. Unforgiveness is another thing I think I fight in some cases. I always try and be forgiving however, I think sometimes I fail on that one and struggle with letting some things go. I try and forgive and even think I have, only to find out later I really didn't ...I just buried my feelings deeper.

Feelings are a hard thing for me to understand. I can never really trust anything I feel because all my life my feelings have been so manipulated. I have learned the hard way to never really trust anything I see and only a little of what I hear. Now try and live by that code....not easy!

All in all I have been doing pretty well and in spite of some things, I feel very blessed. The fact that I am even alive and able to write this blog is a testament to that. But sometimes that depression still manages to creep in and it has nothing at all to do with my not being blessed or even feeling blessed.

Yes I struggle, yes I cry and yes at times I question even who I am...but I do not question that The Creator has a plan for my life and no matter what it is, He is in control. I may have to fight like crazy to get out of bed, too put one foot in front of another, too keep on keep in on... however He said He would never leave or forsake me. He never said it would be easy and I would not have to do anything myself. He never said I would not have pain. He never said I would not bleed. He only said He would give me strength to do what I need to do.
So while I fight the demons in my head I am going to hang on to His strength.

I pray you do as well.

Now here is a good one from our sister at Gentle Shepherd Ministry.

Love & Prayers,

Judy

BECOMING LOST

(John 10:4-5)



The one challenge I keep before me is that the memories of the wicked will be wiped out from any memory or recollection. I cannot imagine how God will be able to do such a feat, but I know He will do away with every remembrance attached to those who walked in darkness towards Him. It occurred to me that this was necessary to bring total healing to the souls of His people.

As I watch my father lose his memory, I realize that he is becoming lost to everything, while everything is becoming lost to him. Not long ago he answered the phone. I greeted him with a simple hello and specifically asked to speak to “his wife.” After the phone conversation was over between my mother and me, my father admitted that my voice sounded familiar to him, but he could not connect it to the person it belonged to.

To become lost to something means it has ceased to be familiar to us. There is no common ground or point of recognition that we can identify to. When you consider the effect of great wind storms upon the landscape, they often wipe away all familiarity. Those who lived in such areas admit that they did not even recognize where they were. Clearly, everything had become lost to them and they found themselves lost in the midst of the devastation.

My father was not able to put a face to my voice, but there is a day coming when he will not be able to recognize me at all. At that time, I will not know where he is, and he will not know who I am. Mentally and emotionally, I am bracing for such a day. Meanwhile, I watch as the disease robs him of bits and pieces of his memory.

When it comes to the destructive power of the winds of the world, we as Christians must keep God as our Rock. In order to do this, we must make sure we develop and maintain a relationship with Him. He must become familiar to us, and we must become His possession. We must be able to recognize His voice, and He must be able to recognize us as His sheep.



Prayer: Lord, the world is designed to rob us of any familiarity we have developed in our relationship with You. My request is that You show me how I can hide in You so that I never lose sight of You during the storms of life. Amen.



©2010 Rayola Kelley, Gentle Shepherd Ministries. Permission is granted for
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