I wonder if I am ever going to get through this thing called life.
This is the day my daughter died. My baby…. So long ago, thirty-six years ago. She was murdered… and my heart still hurts and my heart still feels her deep inside of me. I have never been able to let her go. She is still a part of me as sure as the blood runs through my veins.
Will the memories of days past always be lurking in the recesses of my mind waiting for an opening so they can explode into my consciousness?
Will there always be more questions than answers?
Who am I suppose to be? Am I even supposed to be at all?
I hear in my head more questions ringing out and I wonder if they should be answered or ignored. I wonder if they are even anything at all.
Am I mad? Am I real? Who is this person that is supposed to be me?
Will I always be wondering if triggers are around the corner waiting?
Will I always wonder who I can trust or if I should trust at all?
I pray…. And I pray some more. Does He hear? Does He care? Are my prayers in vain? Are they even my prayers? I just do not know anymore.
I feel the longings in my heart and I do not even know where they are coming from or if they are real or even mine. I wonder why the things so deep are moving up to the top so quickly now.
I feel my insides shake and rumble like a volcano about to erupt and pray no one gets in the way of the lava flow of my pain. I pray whatever is coming to the surface will manage to flow slowly so others can get out of the way instead of blowing high in the air burning everything in its path without warning.
I pray what is going on with me…. will lead me to more healing and less pain in the end.
I pray and I pray and I wonder who I am even praying to anymore.
Oh, Dear God, The Creator of the Universe….please look down on this daughter of yours and shine the light of truth on her heart. Lead her not unto temptation but deliver her from evil.
3 comments:
Sweetie,
We love you and understand your suffering because we have been through it ourselves.
We have been both murderer and victim. The faces are different but the truth is the same.
Offer up praise that that child did not die in vain just as our Master did not.
Just think how really screwed we would be if Jesus had never come down and hung out with "bad" people.
Your writings have often been an encouragement for me, because you talk about things that I go through, that few want to talk about, or hear about. If all the pain and confusion didn't ultimately end in goodness and Love, then none of this would exist, we wouldn't exist. He is Love, and loves you, as do I.
I am a lurker. You are an inspiration to me even though I never went through the horrible things you did. Please continue to use this blogs for all believers.
God Bless,
sandra
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