Been Thinking....

This is a very tricky time of year for us survivors out there to say the least, so I thought I might share some of the struggles I have getting through it.

It seems that although I love the changing of the seasons, especially in the fall with the colorful foliage and such there is always an underlying dread as the fall days roll into winter.

On top of that I have a birthday in December that always throws a challenge in with the mix.

During the fall months approaching winter, passing Halloween,winter solstice, Christmas etc.... well it can be rough. This is the time of year when rituals were hard and heavy for us survivors of the satanic system and it seems that in spite of our faith body memories, flashbacks and just plain uneasiness can creep in and stop us in our tracks at times.

I always want to think that this will be the year when I will be over all of that and sail right on through with out even a whimper. But alas... it has not happened for me yet.

Does that mean I am a failure in the faith? Does that mean I have backslid into unbelief and fear? No I don't think so. While I do feel uneasiness and moody and at time downright angry pushing into what feel likes a mini meltdown I do not believe I have failed somehow and given into any major fear. I am human, period. I have survived trauma that most can not imagine and in spite of my faith, my mind and body often seem to have memories and feelings I can not control.

I know for a fact that anyone who survives from any kind of trauma has these feelings at times and struggles to get through them as best they can. We are still in these heavy flesh bodies and because of that, the weight of past sin can still effect us in sometimes major or minor ways. It is not because we have failed somehow or because we have lost our faith, it is only because we are human. And although the Father has healed me in many wondrous ways I am still a pretty scared and damaged human being...my hope is in that He loves me anyway and will see me through the process called life and use me in spite of all my brokenness.

Another thing I do know as I walk through these hard times during the year, is that it reminds me how much my Father and Savior have delivered from. I might have to deal with and feel the collateral damage of days past but I am not living there anymore. I am free....and even if my mind and body seem to forget that at times... my spirit knows it is true and that gives me the faith and strength to push on through.

So please do not beat yourselves up out there if you are having a rough time of it. You really are not alone. Not only do us other survivors understand and walk this same walk, the Father understands as well and He is walking right beside you holding you up at times when you are too weak to go on.

Remember all it takes is a small grain of faith the size of a mustard seed to know He is always there and has your back covered. Think about it...how small is a mustard seed? Pretty small, so we do not have to have big faith to stand.... only a little seed.

Love and prayer for all of you out there....

Judy