Time....

I have been thinking a lot about time...

When I was a child I used to ponder about time all the time. Maybe it was because I lost so much of it switching alters and such, who know? Anyway one game I used to play to myself was trying to catch a moment, memorizing it and then calling it up later. It could be anything, but usually I did this while in the car. I would look out at the landscape and focus on a farm or grain silo or even a corn field usually something simple. I would then try to place it in my mind and tell myself to remember this moment. Months later I would try to call up that moment in my mind...but more often then not I lost it.
That didn't keep me from trying all over again.

The youngest I can remember doing this was about 4 or 5 years old. I think I kept it up into my 20's or so. Why I stopped probably had something to do with raising children and at that point trying to forget to remember. I know that sounds very confusing.

Anyway, I still ponder time a lot. I can walk across a room and turn around only to think ' I was just over there. Where will I be in a split second when where I am is the past?' I think weird stuff like that all the time. 
I just can't help but think that this illusion of being here, is really a huge illusion. Past, present and future is all now.
I think that is why the pain of my past is not pain anymore. It is part of the illusion. I am already in the future anyway so it is gone.
I don't have to let it define me anymore as a survivor or a victim because it is not here as part of my reality.
I am thinking that we are the sum total of anything we choose to let ourselves be defined by or limited too.
Now that is a very freeing concept.

This second we live in is all that matters. We can use it to worry, hate, resent,etc. or we can use it to Love, give, forgive, laugh, be thankful, create, and even dance if we choose. Whatever we decided to do in any given second is what defines us as human and what kind of human we want to be. We are only limited by ourselves and what we choose to believe and do with our lives.

So in my thinking, that kind of takes away any excuses we may have for blaming others for our failings or displeasure in our lives. It kind of puts the responsibility on ourselves to use our 'now' time wisely and not squander it. 

I am not saying I was not hurt as a child. But that child is a part of now and we are free. We are not who anyone tried to make us think we were. If I buy into that illusion I will always be part of 'their' so called reality and cease to be free in and with my Creator. 

I am also starting to understand, that even things that hurt now are already solved and gone. That makes it so much easier to deal with things in my life I can not control.

Now I am not saying I have this all worked out... ha! I wish that is were!! But what I am saying is I am starting to get it,a little at a 'time' maybe, but I am getting it no less! That is a huge wonderful  feeling of relief and peace. 

Blessings, for taking the 'time' to read this! : ) 

Judy