Words from my heart

I have been thinking on this a few days and nights trying to find the words that will make any sense to anyone, especially me.

Depression is not a nice thing to have to go through. I have fought it hard all my life.

I have tried to be as honest about my struggles as I can on this blog because I know a lot of people read it are looking for some truth, even if it is sometimes my misguided version. But since this is my blog and I can pretty much say what I want and I do not rope and hog tie anyone into reading it, I figure that it is OK.

I have been plodding along the past years trying to heal and trying to help who I can along the way. Healing from severe child abuse is never easy because we tend to carry our baggage into adulthood. We really have no good examples on what to do, or how to do anything. It is always a fly by the seat of our pants kind of thing. A lot of trial and error. We have never been shown normal boundaries, normal love, or normal anything prior to becoming an adult. So it is usually a process of hit and miss.

We have come into adulthood with no self esteem, no self worth and no clear idea of what we are suppose to do. We have been controlled all our lives by people who used us and abused us to their own ends. We all tended to marry people who did the same, or at least got into relationships with the same kinds of people. When we had children of our own we were clueless on what to do with these innocent, helpless humans. So we tended to make a lot of mistakes. Some of us more then others, some of us less but hell even people who come from semi normal backgrounds don't get a written set of instructions on how to raise children.

Most of us have at one time or another turned to religion, counselors or what ever looking for answers but soon learned the hard way that the answers we needed were really not there. We turned to God as we understood Him hoping to find answers but regardless what anyone says, sometimes God can be pretty illusive.

There are some who turned to drugs, alcohol, sex or other abusive things trying to numb out the pain and confusion in their minds. I have had my share of self/abusive things in the past. Fortunately I did not stay there long. But I did stay long enough to damage myself a little more, adding it to the damage already done.

I for sure am not proud of a lot of things I have done. But I am betting that everyone has something in their past they are not proud of. A lot of things I did was out if ignorance and when I got better information I made better decisions. Sometimes it was a while before I got better information.

Sometimes my mind goes to places I can not even begin to explain. When I am under a lot of stress I have to be careful because I can feel my mind slipping in to that dark place. I fight it hard but sometimes even when I am fighting I can lose it for a while. I am well aware of my shortcomings in this area. Thus I try to stay out of stressful situations as much as possible. It has nothing to do with faith, it has a lot to do with all the abuse done to my mind and to my spirit. Somethings do not heal completely. Somethings are a constant battle. Sometimes we win those battles and sometimes we lose, but we always get back up. At least we try as best we can.

When I write on this blog about how I am feeling, and when I cry out from my soul it is my way of asking for help. I have learned that the people who care can not help if they do not know anything is wrong. I can play the game that most people on this planet like to play by saying I am fine and everything is wonderful, but then that make me a liar and what survivor could ever trust me? They know I am lying because they are going through the same struggles. They need to know that they are not alone. I need to know I am not alone.

I can give positive affirmations till the cows come home, but when I am fighting for my very breath and sanity, positive affirmations do not work. Speaking bible scriptures do not work, praying does not work (because when the pain gets too intense there are no words to pray) I am gasping and crying out for a small lifeline, for someone to intercede when I can't. My heart is breaking and my spirit groans in agony only another survivor, another soul who has ever been in that pain, can really understand.

When I found out how sick my son Joshua was this year I felt as if I hit a wall going 100 miles an hour. I do OK for a while, but then I fight to not lose it. I fight because he needs me to be strong. I fight because if I don't, I will drown. Of all the abuse I have endured in my entire life, nothing prepared me for how I was going to feel when my son got sick. I try to focus on his healing but deep in my heart I know there are no guarantees. Good people die, bad people live, the sun shines and the rain rains on the just and unjust. Sometimes we get a miracle and a lot of the time we don't. Just because I love my son does not mean he will get a miracle anymore then someone elses precious son.

I am a mom...I am not God. So it does me no good to think about God losing his son. He is God and I am not. He had control, I do not. He might understand but he is not here actually holding my hand. He says he is, but even as a child and I cried out to him, I was still alone and had to endure what was dished out to me. It still hurt. So I want to believe that God is here with me, but even if he is, it still hurts. I stall have to endure what is dished out to me. I have to watch what is being dished out to my son. I can not fake it and plaster a smile on my face and say I am fine. Everything is fine. It is not fine and if I lose my son, I am sorry that will not be fine either,

Now with saying all of that I have to add this. I am beginning to see some things a lot clearer. I feel more compassion for people who are hurting with sick children and family members they love. I can really understand the depths of their pain.

I would gladly take all the abuse of my childhood over again to have my son well. May be God will heal him, maybe God does have a plan for Joshua through all of this. I hope so. I pray so.

A lot of wonderful strangers have stepped up to the plate and are helping to raise money for Joshua and that is helping my son have faith in humanity again. It helps in the fact that maybe the Creator is behind the scenes working on hearts.

You know we did an interview with the local paper yesterday and when the reporter asked Joshua what he hopes will come out of the local fundraiser in his behalf, he said, 'my hope is that even if people do not give to me, they will give to someone. That they will understand it is not how much you give but the act. And every little bit helps. A few coins, or a few dollars. If the fireman are standing on the corner with their boots needing donations. Put is your change,it makes a difference. Everything we do for others makes a difference. People just need to understand that. This is not just about me. It is about everyone doing their part in helping each other.' That is the kind of man my son is,

That is the son I can not bear to think about losing.

So if I get depressed and whiny and just become a genuine pain in the butt. Well tough!

I can not pretend to be what I am not.

I cry at the drop of a hat. I laugh hard and yes I do pray. I pray for all the momma's who have sick children and their hearts are breaking. I pray for all the momma's who have lost their children way too soon. Their hearts are breaking, I don't care how bad this world is, we still cling to life. The Creator put that into us. This may be a fleeting life but it is ours. A gift. Non refundable and no guarantees.

So this is what I had to say this week.

And those of you have stood by me and are still standing by me. You have no idea what you mean to me and how much your prayers and encouragement are keeping me going.

I love you all...

Judy