Monday, December 21, 2009

Feelings....

Well for the first time in a long time I am writing back to back posts....
Please read the one before this one because it is on much higher note then this one....

It is almost three in the morning and I can not sleep. You know one of those kinds of nights where your brain will not shut up.

I have had a lot of miracles in my life as of late especially where my kids are involved. A lot of prayers have gone out by a lot of you on my behalf and theirs also. So the reunion with my daughter and grand- daughters yesterday was a result of that... but it was not an easy thing to be sure.

I am praying and hoping that that meeting is the beginning for us and will lead to more time with them and a lot of healing as well. But tonight I have to admit I am feeling a lot overwhelmed and just needed to write or at least try and write about what I am feeling.

I struggle a lot with being Judy. Sometimes I like her OK and sometimes I still look in the mirror and wonder what kind of freak she really is and if she is even really there at all. I often stand outside of myself and listen to what I am saying and doing and wonder if I am real or an illusion and often I feel as if I am a stranger to myself more then to anyone else.
I talk to The Father, a lot... in truth I do not know how not to talk to Him... but anyway I talk to Him a lot about how I feel or how confused I am about me..I wonder if He can somehow clear all this muddle in my head up for me.
When I went to see my daughter we met at her Grandparents home in Okla. Her dad is a full blood Choctaw...anyway some people were there who were there doing a home church thing and they were connected to a Choctaw country church. When the kids were little I used to take them to a Choctaw church...I made a few Choctaw friends back then and really wanted my kids to feel connected to their roots. Even after their dad and I split I tried to make sure they stayed connected to his family. My kids actually saw more of the Choctaw side then they saw of my side. My dad is actually half Cherokee with some Choctaw thrown in but you would not know it by looking at me other then I am tall like him and I have his facial structure...I am fair and redheaded (or used to be age has lightened it a lot) like my mom. The Irish....
Anyway I grew up not being connected to any roots other then bad ones so I never had any kind of identity about my ancestors....did not really care one way or another and still do not. But what I am writing about now is about a lot of what I have always felt.

When I walked into my kids grandparents home and met the church couple (who were Choctaws) they knew me. They had remembered me when I was young and my kids were all little. It was weird but all of a sudden I felt like that scared, screwed up confused girl way back then so long ago. It was not that this couple said anything wrong, they were very nice in fact, it was all me. I remembered how I felt as that young woman trying to fit into a strange culture and a new family and how much of an outsider I always felt. I had no roots...I had no understanding of roots... I had no pride in who I was or who my family was or in anything. I was always amazed as I sat on the sidelines and observed the Choctaw culture, all the time wishing I could be a part of their illusive clan.
I was lonely.... so alone and so lost. I felt isolated from everybody and everything. I tried very hard to fit in and be excepted but in my messed up dissociated state I ran more people away from me then too me.

Anyway it amazes me even now how so many years later I can still feel so out of it and inadequate. I felt that way trying to connect with my daughter and I felt that way when I tried to talk to these people. I feel that way now as I write this.
I try and try to do my Father's work and I try and be the person I believe I should be to honor Him and yet.... I still feel lost and inadequate. I still feel disconnected to myself and others a huge part of the time. I still feel as if I have no roots and am somehow still floating around ungrounded.

I know all the scriptures that say to the contrary because I belong to the Father and have excepted the Savior and I know this planet is not my home. I know if I am in Christ I am no longer part of this world and my identity is in Him... OK I know all of that so what is the deal with me?

Why do I still feel as if pieces of me are missing? Why do I still feel as if I can never get anything right and I am a rootless outsider who can never fit anywhere? I often feel as if I will not fit in the next life any better then this one.

I keep thinking that one day I will get it and it will all make sense to me. I will make sense to me. That with all the words I have written, Judy will somehow be real to me and I will get her. Every time I think I am getting close to her she eludes me. Is she real or someone I have created in my mind? Is that why my kids have such a hard time with me? Is it because I elude them as well?

Who am I? And does it even matter? Do any of you out there ever feel the same way?

Thanks for listening.... you all know by now, I can not hide what I feel because if I am not honest as I can be with my struggles then how can I be anything at all to you...

Good Night,
Judy

3 comments:

smalls said...

I know I struggle to find my identity. I never endured the kind of abuse you did, just a 'normal' life with a normal (slightly dysfunctional yet loving) family... but this world, society, has certainly abused my mind and soul in various subtil ways.

I wonder "who am I?", or as I sometimes put it, "who is 'me'?" With our understanding I don't think we could fit in in the afterlife. I trust our minds will clear up completely there, and hopefully little by little here.

Antbrother said...

Judy,

You are certainly a blessing to me and many others on this walk with Jesus. You have great courage and you speak from the heart - something that many are afraid to do for fear of becoming vulnerable. But you and i know Father watches over us, protects us and shows us each day a little more of who we are IN HIM, IN CHRIST. That is who i too have been searching for - for many years.

i have felt disconnected from the world since i can remember, like i just didn't fit in. But when Red Elk gave me the name antbrother it began to make sense, in a silly and foolish, childlike way. Red Elk could see who i was to become. God has made that change when He just said, "Have fun with this, be yourself and relax. I'll take care of the rest."

There have been many struggles through this process and yet, i know - you also know - through faith that we will be fully healed. Be patient for what Father has in store for us is more of a blessing than any of us can imagine.

When Jesus appears, we shall know Him and shall be like Him.

Love and Blessings,

~antbrother

Trish Daniel said...

(((((( J U D Y ))))))

big hug sis!

YES! you are a blessing to us, and i think at some time or another, no matter the level of abuses and trauma we have experienced in this life, we have those moments where we wonder who we are and what are we doing here.... i think the best thing is that we are here for His Purposes and we just may find out later what that was about, but by that time we probably will understand anyway....

it's entirely normal that you might be uncomfortable in certain situations, but i am very proud of you and happy for you that you were able to have a nice visit with your daughter and grandkids despite the tension that was brought up... maybe The Lord just wanted you to look at that and realize you have no reason to feel inadequate!

?

love you!
have a Merry Blessed Remembrance of our Savior Jesus' Birth!
MWAH!

I am closing down this blog

Hey all I am closing down this blog in a few days. I will open a new one under www.multijlsworld.blogspot.com I will explain on that b...