Monday, May 29, 2017

Climbing up ...

So I guess I have to hit the bottom to start climbing back up.

When I moved back to Texas  five years ago a lot had changed in my life. I loved Arkansas, but due to things I had not much control over, Tim and I had to move back to Texas.

Its been a struggle to say the least. I have not been real happy about moving back, but then I guess that is part of the lesson I am suppose to learn. Happiness is suppose to come from within, not from outside of me. I get that in small moments, the rest of the time I struggle with it. Truthfully I think most people struggle with that one, its not something I alone deal with.

Depression is something no one wants to deal with. I once read that depression is anger turned inward...I think there is a lot of truth in that one as well. I think I have been angry ever since I found out my son was ill. I think I have been angry ever since we left Arkansas. I think I have been angry in having to deal with a lot of things here, period. I think I have been angry at myself because I feel so inadequate all the time in trying to handle so many challenges here.  I think I have been angry at God. Now, that was a very hard thing to admit.

When I first started dealing with my past and all the abuse, I went through a stage where I was mad at God...It was hard, but I got through that. I guess I just thought that anything past all of that had to be much easier and the anger issue would just not come up again. Guess what? I was wrong...

So here I am again, trying to get past this hurdle. I think I thought that if I did all the right things I could somehow create a different reality. So in reality all of my so-called good deeds turned out to be nothing more then a bargaining chip I was throwing at God in hopes for a different outcome in my life. That is why I feel a fraud. That is why I feel rather ashamed at my pathetic efforts.

With all of this said, I have to admit that there is a darkness in my soul and only The Creator and I can get to the complete root of it. I keep getting the feeling that all of the things I have been dealing with the past few years are leading up to something deep inside of me, something I really need to see and pull out to the light in order to heal. This the real root of my anger at God... the real root of the anger at myself....

It seems that Judy is still on that journey to wholeness...
It seems that Judy will be on that journey the rest of this life...

And from a post in 2010 I wrote this... I think I really need to take note of this one!!!

Today I have something I am going to post about rest....but before that I just have to say I am not very good achieving that goal

It seems like every time I seek some sort of rest and relief from the cares of this world more junk gets dumped upon me. No matter how hard I try and step back to take a deep breath and chill.... well lets just put it this way challenges arise.

As a child trying to survive all the abuse heaped upon me I dissociated to be able to find a refuge in my mind. If I had not had the ability to do that no doubt I would have not survived.

Now many years later and a whole lot of healing later, dissociating is not an option anymore. I have to meet life's junk head on. So, now the challenge is how to deal with it and survive with my brain still intact. Believe me it is a challenge!

I have heard people tell me what a blessed life I have.... well any life is blessed in my opinion just because it has managed to survive anything on this planet. Maybe the word is miraculous?

My life has always been hard and it still is.... I have had blessed moments but even then blessings always come with a price.

Do I sound cranky and bitter? Well I can be cranky and yeah sometimes even bitter not to mention angry. I have to admit I do not always run around praising God for allowing me to be here and all that is my life. Oops... did I admit that? Now what? Is the sky going to fall?

So with saying that I have to say this.... I do not always rest well, much less in peace. Am I a failure? Am I lacking faith?

It does often seem to me that just when it feels like I am getting on my feet and brushing off my pants from the last fall I find myself on my butt again. Am I ever going to learn? Will I ever get this? In my opinion.... probably not. So the sixty four thousand dollar question is.... how do I live with this and get any rest at all and survive this life?

The only thing I know is written below.... and I am so not there yet. I am a work in progress...


(Matthew 11:29)

Most people have their idea of rest. For me it is to stop all other activities and read a good book. However, in this fast-paced world, it can be hard to stop. The reason it can prove to be hard to stop is because of the momentum that often drives people. For example, the momentum that drives me is time is short and I want to finish all the projects that I have started in relationship to my spiritual life. In reality such work may not be completed because there will always be demands or responsibilities tugging at each of us.

When we think of rest, we often relate it to a state of rest. The reality of true rest is that we must come to a place of rest in order to experience an inner state of rest. The world is not only one big pigpen of vanity, but it is battleground where the soul finds itself in constant conflict.

The motivation or momentum behind this conflict is selfishness. Man wants his way so that his emotional state will experience joy. He wants to be right so that his mind will not be caught up with uncertainty and doubt. He wants to ensure that his will is carried out so that all can be well with his world. However, man finds himself at odds with those in his world that are also motivated by their selfishness.

Jesus understood this conflict well. He invited everyone to come to a place of rest. In summary, come to Him and He will give each of us the vital rest for our soul that so many are seeking in the midst of the rubble and tombs of the world. Remember, the person of Jesus is an actual place. He is the Prince of Peace, and the only one capable of bringing rest to our restless and tormented souls.

Thought: The real rest we often seek is the rest from the momentum caused by personal demands, expectations, responsibilities, and turmoil of life.

©2010 Rayola Kelley, Gentle Shepherd Ministries. Permission is granted for
non-commercial (free) distribution provided this notice appears.

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