Friday, October 17, 2008

cont...graphic!

Well a new day and a new entry…. continuing with ‘Roots’.

After being handed over to Mengele, aka Dr. Green life on the bad lane ramped up. I was handed over, but still under the watchful eye of Mengele to another handler, I do not know who he was at this time. I called him The Dark Man, I called Mengele, The Dark Man as well, and the next handler I was handed over to at age 11, I called The Dark Man. Even though I know who the third Dark Man is I am not at liberty to expose him at this time. I can say that he is in a well known, “BIG” ministry; however he may still have a chance to get out and repent.
At being handed over to the third handler, I was taken to Oral Roberts University to be raped by none other then Oral Roberts himself in a horrible satanic ritual. I am at liberty to expose Oral Roberts because he is a tare through and through. My training and programming proceeded on at ORU. The university was a Monarch programming and mind control center. I assume it probably still is used for that today but I do not know for sure. All I can say it is a sham, a lie, and it is NOT an institution for my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. At the time I was transferred to the ORU programming center, my mom joined a local charismatic Pentecostal church in the Tulsa area. I have no doubt my mom is a multiple herself and did not know that “they” were using her when she joined this church. This church was full of Pedophile, Satanist’s, connected to and with ORU. A lot of the members were also Professors at ORU.

So with this all in mind I will continue my story….

GRAPHIC......

After the farm frenzy....The Dark Man was pleased with me. So he had sex with me. It was a good thing he was not displeased and so my mom did not die.
My Story II

So after the farm episode I think a lot of things really changed for me as a child. I really felt dirty inside for one thing and I could never seem to get that dirty feeling to go away. I hated myself and began thinking about dying a lot as well. Farm animals scared me after that as I thought they might come after me and hurt me for doing such horrible things to their relatives. I also developed many more alters to handle all different parts of my life that had gotten so out of control. The little girl Judy inside went on and played dolls as well as rode her bike and played like any normal child all the while carrying many dark secrets inside. I remember getting a lot of stomach aches as a child especially at school. My hate for school never left me. I believe the only good year at school was in the fifth grade when we moved to Okmulgee Ok. I think that was the only time in my life I was not hurt or taken out of school for ‘programming’. We moved to Tulsa shortly there after and that changed. But I am getting a head of myself there. ( I know now that I was taken even then to ORU at my 11th birthday)
The farm episode also put a lot of fear in me as well. I became afraid of a lot of odd things. For one thing I have never liked bright lights at night. I guess that is because of the lights they used to film with. Also I did not get along with other children very well, as I was scared of their rejection. I did have a few friends but was very guarded and often made myself disagreeable enough to run them off before they rejected me. I cried a lot and easily however, when I saw someone get hurt I often would start laughing. Not that I though their pain was funny but because I did not know how to deal with the fear other peoples pain made me feel. So when I was really scared I would usually laugh. It was like my emotions were all crazy and mixed up.
I spent a lot of time alone as a child and often talked to the faceless GOD I really did not know a lot about. All I knew was that He was somewhere up and I believed He listened to my fears and saw my tears. I believed that somehow He would help me get away from all the bad people. I always felt so alone that a huge ache would claw in my belly almost making me sick from the pain however; I knew, He knew I was here and somehow cared about me. Sometimes though I yelled at GOD and got very mad at Him for not taking me away from all the pain. Sometimes I did not believe He cared at all and had forgotten about me down here. That was when the loneliness was the worst for me. That is when I felt no hope at all. Those were the darkest of times in my life, even darker then the abuse.

It is hard to describe memories that seem to come and go like waves rushing in only to recede back out again. I do not have all of my memories and sometimes that can make me feel a bit crazy like I made this whole nightmare up. I wish I had as that would make it all not true. Then I would just be crazy and not the whole world. But I know this is the truth of my life and what I saw and felt.

I remember long hallways with blue and gray walls that had muted lighting. There were doors along this hall and some had small windows and some did not. It was not a good place to be. Horrible things happened to people behind those doors. I do not know all of what happened behind those doors but I know of what I saw and what The Dark Man told me.

The Dark Man liked to take me places and show me things he thought were important for me to know. One of the places he often took me was the place with the hall and doors. He would show me how they had machines in some of the rooms that would make people do what they wanted them to do. Like devices that would hurt people until they agreed to do comply, programming is what it is called. I know I was in the shock room a lot. I hated the shock room. Even now I sometimes feel the jolt of that shock machine prod my brain as it did so many times when I was a child. It is when I enter sleep and it still hurts as it did so long ago.
There were times I was taken into rooms where they were doing stuff to people, kids, grownups whatever and they would force me to watch or participate in the sick things they were doing. Sometimes I was the one who was having the sick things done too. Whatever was going on it was suppose to be for our programming and discipline. The Dark Man told me a lot that all of the stuff done to me was to keep my family alive and to make me into a useful and special person. I did not want to be useful or special but I did want to keep my family alive and as much as I prayed to die I fought like a tiger to live. But learning to be useful was a good thing at times as it would get me time. Time away from them and that was always good. What I mean is, if I were being useful I would be sent out to do specific things, like deliver messages etc. and while I was doing that I was often alone for a time. During those times I would often look around my surroundings and find ways to hide or places to just be where no one would bother me for a bit. One time I was sent to deliver a message several blocks from my home and I found the most beautiful hidden park in a private yard. After that I would try and go there as often as I could sneak away and just enjoy the beauty and quiet. I would often try and pray there as well, at least as much as I knew how too. I was about seven or eight when I found that Secret Park or garden and I would have to crawl under a fence I think to get in there. That was in Lincoln Nebr. Most of the hell in my life started in Lincoln Nebr.

There were times when I often did not know who I was. I would live in a fog like state and not really be totally aware of what was going on around me. That made for a very hard time in school when I was not taken out. I could not focus on class work or the teacher and I would lose a lot of information. Then the teachers would get upset at me and think I was not trying to do my work or listen to them. No one really knew who I was including me. I would play a game sometimes with myself called me, myself and I. Sometimes me, myself and I would have a tea party or we would play checkers or a marble game I used to like to play or maybe a board game. When I played me, myself and I it was usually because I did not know who I was and when I did not know who I was I did not want to play with anyone else. So me, myself and I became good friends and I could trust them not to tell anyone my secret about not knowing who I was. If this sounds confusing to others, in an odd way it never did to me, it was one thing I could do to get some control in my life. Control was one thing I never felt I had so any little bit I managed to find I protected fiercely.

Can a child be lonely? Yes, yes and a hundred yes’s! I believe loneliness in a child is a million times worse then in an adult. How can I describe loneliness as a child? It is a pain that passes all other pains, even physical abuse. At least that was how it was for me. The reason I say this is because when as a child I was being abused I felt alone in that pain. I felt isolated and deserted and well as betrayed by those I thought should love and protect me. And then when I was not being abused I could not tell anyone about the abuse and I felt so isolated yet again because I felt dirty and bad all the time and could not trust people to get close to me. I felt I did not deserve love and friendship even as a child. I often felt that if I let anyone get close to me my dirtiness would somehow rub off on them and they would know my horrible secrets. I remember as a teenager being dumped in the street after cult meetings like so much garbage and when at times I would try and hide to avoid being picked up for a meeting, I would hide in alleys by dumpsters. There I would feel like the garbage I was using to hide behind and often I would cry out to GOD to please help me. I was not sure how I wanted to be helped only that I wanted that horrible painful loneliness to go away. What I am saying is that being raped by my dad at the age five was not as painful as him leaving me lying there all alone bleeding on a cold concrete floor to pick myself up and walk myself up two flights of stairs in pain still all alone.

So where do I go from here? I have to admit I have not written a word in weeks. This book has become so hard to write, in fact much harder then I suspected it would be. I have realized that my memories are not as clear as I would like them to be so I can write them in a concise way. Also I have been feeling strangely more distanced from my past since I started this book. Maybe this is a defense of some sort or maybe a program interfering somehow? I truthfully do not know, however, I will give it another go.

I last wrote about loneliness and isolation. Those two words remind me of a lot of things. I remember being separated from people a lot in my programming. If I was at school I was separated from other students by either being physically removed or shunned by other kids. I thought I was a very horrible and bad person for so many kids to hate me so much. I tried to be nice and not cause trouble but nothing I ever did was the right thing to do so needless to say I had no self worth or esteem. I have to admit I had a very active imagination. I lived in my make believe world as it was always safe and I was always in control. I can not tell the number of times kids would tell me how much they hated me. Kids who did not even know me would say that.

I think now I will get back to The Dark Man again. My love/hate relationship with him seemed to get more intense as I got older. I know now that was the way he planned it to be all along. One time after he had me passed around several men and women to be used and abused on he very gently wrapped me up in a warm soft coat and carried me to his room. I do not know where I was or what the reason I was used that particular time and I do not know whom the men and women were as well. What I do know is that The Dark Man set it up and then took me out when it was over and treated me like I was his prized possession that he cared for deeply. He washed me in his big bath as well as dried me gently. He fixed me hot chocolate and tucked me into bed whispering how special I was and how much he loved me. Who knows when I woke up or where as the memory ends there. It was like that with him a lot though. Even when he raped me he acted like he did it because I was special and because he loved me. How messed up is that. I hated the rapes but because he was the only person who alluded to me being anything but dirty and worthless I learned to tolerate even that abuse and even now as I think back to time I can feel my head swim with the craziness of it all, my abuser my friend? I don’t think so!

So as I grew so did the complicated way my relationship with The Dark Man begins to intensify. He was more obsessed with where I went and with who I was with then my parents were. When I became a teenager and started missing cult meetings he was the one who dished out the most painful punishments. He was the one who prodded me with shocks and poured things into my ears that made me faint with pain. He is the one who took my hand and forced me to take the life of another human being. He is the one who threatened to kill my family if I did not do as I was told. He is the one who had my first born child ripped from my body. Who was he? Who is he? I do not know,( I now NOW) I only know he was The Dark Man, the man who controlled my life from the age five until I was seventeen and even then he haunted my dreams and life from the shadows.

I strove to please the one person in my life who did the most damage while at the same time I tried to run as far away from him as I could get. I can not put a real name to him as hard as I try but who knows maybe some day it will come in a dream. (And when it came I was floored!)

When I was about 11 we moved to Tulsa Ok. I hated that town from the start. The street we moved to was full of kids who I was sure were the devil’s children. I was taunted and hit as well as shunned. It was like I had leprosy or something. Most of the families were Catholic however down the street was a family who had an alter to Satan in their home. They had a daughter and son and I learned later that they were related to my later to be stepmother, there were also other cult families in the neighborhood as well. It seemed like this was the neighborhood from hell. I still have bad dreams about that place. We started going to a new church then as well. (the one connected to ORU) That in itself was odd as up to this time in my life church was not a part of our lives. Anyway this was a charismatic church or Pentecostal I guess you would say. I hated it from the start. Everything about it was fake and my mom seemed to love it. My brother started toting a bible then as well and joined the Jesus Freak movement. I never understood how he got so involved there as the kids treated him like dirt.I guess he was just trying to find his way as well. The grownups all made me feel like I was that same leper the neighborhood kids did and the kids at church did that as well. I remember sitting in the pews and wanting to throw hymnals at the pulpit and every time the microphone bobbed all I could think of was a wagging penis taunting me. That made me feel like an even more of a sinner. Mom started having these prayer meetings at home as well. Those were really the pits. I was surrounded by madness, that I was convinced of. Because of my growing anger my mom was sure I was full of demons and I had developed a serious set of alters by then as well so my behavior was very erratic to say the least. So deliverance was the order of the day. While my mom and her prayer partners were holding me down to cast out demons I would panic and fight like a wild animal to make them stop and that only convinced them more I was possessed. So I learned to go limp as that made them think the demons had left and they would then let me go.

Don’t get me wrong, my mom really loved me and she really loved the Lord however she was being programmed as well and thought she was doing a good right thing. I do not doubt that she was motivated in love and concern for me all the while. She has no idea that half the people she was praying with were full-fledged Satanists just using her and many others for their purposes. It still makes me angry to think about how these creeps took my mother’s simple faith in GOD as well as my brother and sister and used them so purposely. To this day I do not think any of them really have a clue as to how they were programmed and used by these people.( my dear brother is figuring it out however and our relationship has been restored...Praise GOD!)

Hell, Satanists ran the biggest part of the ministry in that church. They would get up in front of the people proclaiming their love for Jesus all the while sacrificing human life in the name of Satan/Lucifer. That goes way beyond hypocrisy and passes into the rehelm of pure evil. They would speak in tongues and do their Charismatic wonders, all the time doing the exact same things in satanic rituals. yes speaking the same 'Tongues'. I have heard the same 'Tongues' in all the churches I have been in that believe in speaking in tongues....they are saying the same things.... scarey. Considering how everything I was tought in 'Church' was a lie, I really had to question that practice...and was I suprised at what The Word revealed to me. But I will save that for another day.

This church was connected to Oral Roberts University and Rhema Bible Collage as well. Am I saying Oral Roberts and Kenneth Hagen are/were Satanists?In my mind a huge Yes! But Only GOD knows the truth about their hearts, what I am saying is that satanic practices as well as programming was done on their campuses. People were abused, ritually murdered and children were sexually abused there as well. I know this because I was one of those children. I was taken to O.R.U. As a child and abused in a room with other people looking on.I was abused by Oral Roberts himself. I was stripped naked and made to stand in the middle of a circle while my body was probed and pinched. I stood while someone put something up my vagina that caused severe pain and blood came running out down my legs onto my feet and onto the floor. I was held up by two men and made to stand there in severe pain until I passed out. I saw this done to other girls as well. I also saw boys sodomized and beaten. I saw babies murdered and their blood drained on blood drenched altars with crosses of what was suppose to be Jesus hanging above. Not upside down like in the movies but up right side up trying to make Jesus look guilty and impotent. To this day I hate to see crucifixes with Jesus hanging on them.

I do not remember as much at Rhema Bible collage but I do remember being shocked and sleep deprived and put in simulators watching graphic displays of torture etc. I was also shown how the people in Evangelical meetings were hypnotized and programmed to give money and not question anything the Evangelists did. How signs and wonders were used to seduce the masses into submission and compliance. Does anyone believe this? Not many I am afraid to say. It works very well, that is why they do it. People only believe what they want to believe and that is usually what makes them feel good in some way.

To be cont......

2 comments:

trish said...

ooooooooooooooo!

keep on keeping on sis.. this is important stuff.

love you!

Michael & Netty Daniel said...

My love to you Judy.

Your sister, Netty

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