Do You ever wonder???

Do you ever wonder just what the hell is GOD thinking?

Lately I seem to be wondering that more then ever. Not only because of my own life but because of what I see going on in so many other lives.

I have to admit as of late my faith is rather shot and beat pretty low. I am even beginning to wonder if I have a mustard seed of faith left in me.

It is not like I want to go out and beat people down or become mean and evil. I genuinely love and care for people. My heart hurts and cries for their pain and losses. But it almost seems that all my prayers are falling on deaf ears. It is getting harder and harder to offer people hope that anything will change for them and GOD will even intervene in their behalf. I am seeing very few miracles these days... I mean serious life altering miracles.

When you see people who genuinely love the Lord and are really trying to serve him... lose their children, lose their homes, lose their health and see the enemy always coming up on the high receiving end.... well you get my drift...

I get a lot of platitudes...
GOD is testing us..
GOD has a plan and we will not know it until we reach the other side..
GOD is punishing us for doing something bad we do not know about..
If we belong to GOD then we need to expect the devil to hate us and our lives will suck...
If we give our lives to HIM then we have to prepare to lose everything and be glad in it...
He is trying to get us to praise HIM in everything...
Our real life is not here it is on the 'other' side..
If we hang in there we will get a mansion on the other side...
We are not of this world but of another...
Well Jesus did die for us sooo... we can not complain.
You must be doing something right as the devil is so mad...

Ok. so I think you all get where I am going with all of this..

As I see it this is all the same thing I have always heard in the churches and does any of it really help when a person is in pain and their life is in shambles?

When I was a child and being tortured, raped and abused along with many others... do you honestly think any of the above would have given me/us comfort?
Do you think a mother who has her children ripped from her arms and hauled off to GOD knows where will feel much better by the above?
Do you think people who are hurting by just having to live on the messed up planet really feel any better by the above?

SO what is really going on? Is there really any hope for us down here on planet earth? Is GOD really on sabbatical? Am I going to get struck by lightning for even thinking this stuff much less writing it out for all to see?

Am I feeling a bit like Job and wondering where the Creator of All is in this mess?

How can any of us get that hope back into our hearts to keep us keeping on? How can we pass that hope onto others? Is there really any hope left to pass on?

Is any religion just a way to cope and give hope so we can manage to survive on this planet?

I know, I know.... I need to keep counting my blessing as it could be worse... well duhhhhhh... you think I have not seen and lived in worse?
I have even had people tell me..'You just have no idea how bad it can be Judy' ????? Say What???!!!
Am I feeling sorry for myself... I don't know... I don't even think so..actually this all has been building for a long while and then the topper was when a sweet family was torn apart by the state with no end in sight. Now how can that glorify GOD?
How can so much pain glorify HIM?
Because we praise HIM anyway even when nothing changes for the good and the enemies keeps winning? That is like saying..
GOD you are so good to help me not kill myself even though you are allowing my life to be destroyed so I can have a wonderful next life... I am so grateful for the blessing of pain....what a great Father you are to allow so much pain in my life to make me so worthy for the next life...????

OK so What if....

This is for you people in pain out there...
If GOD is our Father and Creator.. then why would HE want us in pain? Why would HE create us to have life and then tell us not to enjoy it, not to want to live it and to remember this is not a real life because life only begins at death? Why would HE go to all the trouble to create something and then tell that something to not expect anything special until the next life.
Is that not what the Muslims believe? Hummm....not much different the Christians.
Why would HE tell us we can not earn our way to anywhere but then tell us we have to earn it? You know count ourselves worthy by trials and counting the cost of being HIS...
Do any of you do that to your children???
Would you ignore your kids in pain? Would you pat them on the head and tell them to praise you for loving them so much you are not going to help them...because you want to make them stronger and you want them to have a better afterlife???

OK, so what am I missing? What an I not getting?

I want that GOD who brings water from rocks and manna from heaven. I want that GOD who tells me I can walk on water and I do and who will part the Red Sea for me.... I want the GOD who will give me a pillar of fire by night to keep me warm and a cool cloud to keep me cool by day. I want a GOD who will stand up to my enemies and tell them where to get off and because HE is all powerful, they will be defeated!!!
I want that big huge awesome dude who can do all things!
I want the GOD who gave me this life to live and He gave it for me to live abundantly!!

I do not want that other god who is weak and on sabbatical all the time and who only gives me platitudes not action!!!

OK GOD..... WHERE ARE YOU??????
I am calling!!!!!!!!!!!!

RINGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

We need some serious ACTION down here!!!

New Day, New Week, Here I am....

Another thank you once again... for the support and prayers from all you angels on this planet who take the time to hold this sister up.

So many changes in me.... so many changes in my life.

You know when I started this blog I never imagined how far it would take me and how many of you would touch my life.

Sometimes I have quite a lot of hits but mostly just as average of about 25 or 30 hits a day to this blog... how amazing it is to me that even that many of you would take the time to check in and read anything I have to say.

I have had it said that I am nuts and anything I believe is just false memories... well if it is then many of you seem to be under the same delusion. So, I guess we shall ride this delusion together..OK? I mean who wants to be alone in this mess? It is not like we are having a ball.

I am working on a new site and I probably will not be posting it here, however if any of you want the info about it please e-mail me. I am not sure what all I am going to do there but I kind of think I want it to have more information as well as hopefully entries of other survivor/victims, writings and artwork expressing their healing process and their spiritual walk. I will not be limiting it to anything specific at this point. And it is very much a work in progress.

Writing is something I like to do and it is very healing for me.. so I think I need to continue not only this blog but other avenues as well along that line.

Any comments and ideas about what any of you might like me to tackle please let me know... this is about all of us.

I know one thing I really want to try and finish writing about is something I have been trying to sort through... I like to call it my
' What IF Chronicles'.
Hopefully I can get that posted in a few days or at least by the weekend.

You all seem to appreciate my ramblings...so we shall see where that takes us...

My computer connection has been in a mood as of late..yeah I know nothing new.. sigh.. that is what I get for living in the boonies...HA!
But it seems the Creator allows me windows to post when I need to so I can not complain. Also I have a wonderful brother in the Faith who blesses me each month so I can even have Internet... to You my Brother.. many wonderful thank yous and I pray lots of blessings unto you as well.
I have to admit when I think about quiting all of this... my wonderful benefactor reminds me how the Father is leading me on.

Well that is all for now...

Another day to walk the walk...

Love,
Judy your Multisister....

In memory of.....

I wonder if I am ever going to get through this thing called life.
This is the day my daughter died. My baby…. So long ago, thirty-six years ago. She was murdered… and my heart still hurts and my heart still feels her deep inside of me. I have never been able to let her go. She is still a part of me as sure as the blood runs through my veins.

Will the memories of days past always be lurking in the recesses of my mind waiting for an opening so they can explode into my consciousness?
Will there always be more questions than answers?
Who am I suppose to be? Am I even supposed to be at all?

I hear in my head more questions ringing out and I wonder if they should be answered or ignored. I wonder if they are even anything at all.
Am I mad? Am I real? Who is this person that is supposed to be me?
Will I always be wondering if triggers are around the corner waiting?
Will I always wonder who I can trust or if I should trust at all?

I pray…. And I pray some more. Does He hear? Does He care? Are my prayers in vain? Are they even my prayers? I just do not know anymore.

I feel the longings in my heart and I do not even know where they are coming from or if they are real or even mine. I wonder why the things so deep are moving up to the top so quickly now.

I feel my insides shake and rumble like a volcano about to erupt and pray no one gets in the way of the lava flow of my pain. I pray whatever is coming to the surface will manage to flow slowly so others can get out of the way instead of blowing high in the air burning everything in its path without warning.
I pray what is going on with me…. will lead me to more healing and less pain in the end.

I pray and I pray and I wonder who I am even praying to anymore.
Oh, Dear God, The Creator of the Universe….please look down on this daughter of yours and shine the light of truth on her heart. Lead her not unto temptation but deliver her from evil.