Another thank you once again... for the support and prayers from all you angels on this planet who take the time to hold this sister up.
So many changes in me.... so many changes in my life.
You know when I started this blog I never imagined how far it would take me and how many of you would touch my life.
Sometimes I have quite a lot of hits but mostly just as average of about 25 or 30 hits a day to this blog... how amazing it is to me that even that many of you would take the time to check in and read anything I have to say.
I have had it said that I am nuts and anything I believe is just false memories... well if it is then many of you seem to be under the same delusion. So, I guess we shall ride this delusion together..OK? I mean who wants to be alone in this mess? It is not like we are having a ball.
I am working on a new site and I probably will not be posting it here, however if any of you want the info about it please e-mail me. I am not sure what all I am going to do there but I kind of think I want it to have more information as well as hopefully entries of other survivor/victims, writings and artwork expressing their healing process and their spiritual walk. I will not be limiting it to anything specific at this point. And it is very much a work in progress.
Writing is something I like to do and it is very healing for me.. so I think I need to continue not only this blog but other avenues as well along that line.
Any comments and ideas about what any of you might like me to tackle please let me know... this is about all of us.
I know one thing I really want to try and finish writing about is something I have been trying to sort through... I like to call it my
' What IF Chronicles'.
Hopefully I can get that posted in a few days or at least by the weekend.
You all seem to appreciate my ramblings...so we shall see where that takes us...
My computer connection has been in a mood as of late..yeah I know nothing new.. sigh.. that is what I get for living in the boonies...HA!
But it seems the Creator allows me windows to post when I need to so I can not complain. Also I have a wonderful brother in the Faith who blesses me each month so I can even have Internet... to You my Brother.. many wonderful thank yous and I pray lots of blessings unto you as well.
I have to admit when I think about quiting all of this... my wonderful benefactor reminds me how the Father is leading me on.
Well that is all for now...
Another day to walk the walk...
Love,
Judy your Multisister....
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Sunday, January 31, 2010
In memory of.....
I wonder if I am ever going to get through this thing called life.
This is the day my daughter died. My baby…. So long ago, thirty-six years ago. She was murdered… and my heart still hurts and my heart still feels her deep inside of me. I have never been able to let her go. She is still a part of me as sure as the blood runs through my veins.
Will the memories of days past always be lurking in the recesses of my mind waiting for an opening so they can explode into my consciousness?
Will there always be more questions than answers?
Who am I suppose to be? Am I even supposed to be at all?
I hear in my head more questions ringing out and I wonder if they should be answered or ignored. I wonder if they are even anything at all.
Am I mad? Am I real? Who is this person that is supposed to be me?
Will I always be wondering if triggers are around the corner waiting?
Will I always wonder who I can trust or if I should trust at all?
I pray…. And I pray some more. Does He hear? Does He care? Are my prayers in vain? Are they even my prayers? I just do not know anymore.
I feel the longings in my heart and I do not even know where they are coming from or if they are real or even mine. I wonder why the things so deep are moving up to the top so quickly now.
I feel my insides shake and rumble like a volcano about to erupt and pray no one gets in the way of the lava flow of my pain. I pray whatever is coming to the surface will manage to flow slowly so others can get out of the way instead of blowing high in the air burning everything in its path without warning.
I pray what is going on with me…. will lead me to more healing and less pain in the end.
I pray and I pray and I wonder who I am even praying to anymore.
Oh, Dear God, The Creator of the Universe….please look down on this daughter of yours and shine the light of truth on her heart. Lead her not unto temptation but deliver her from evil.
This is the day my daughter died. My baby…. So long ago, thirty-six years ago. She was murdered… and my heart still hurts and my heart still feels her deep inside of me. I have never been able to let her go. She is still a part of me as sure as the blood runs through my veins.
Will the memories of days past always be lurking in the recesses of my mind waiting for an opening so they can explode into my consciousness?
Will there always be more questions than answers?
Who am I suppose to be? Am I even supposed to be at all?
I hear in my head more questions ringing out and I wonder if they should be answered or ignored. I wonder if they are even anything at all.
Am I mad? Am I real? Who is this person that is supposed to be me?
Will I always be wondering if triggers are around the corner waiting?
Will I always wonder who I can trust or if I should trust at all?
I pray…. And I pray some more. Does He hear? Does He care? Are my prayers in vain? Are they even my prayers? I just do not know anymore.
I feel the longings in my heart and I do not even know where they are coming from or if they are real or even mine. I wonder why the things so deep are moving up to the top so quickly now.
I feel my insides shake and rumble like a volcano about to erupt and pray no one gets in the way of the lava flow of my pain. I pray whatever is coming to the surface will manage to flow slowly so others can get out of the way instead of blowing high in the air burning everything in its path without warning.
I pray what is going on with me…. will lead me to more healing and less pain in the end.
I pray and I pray and I wonder who I am even praying to anymore.
Oh, Dear God, The Creator of the Universe….please look down on this daughter of yours and shine the light of truth on her heart. Lead her not unto temptation but deliver her from evil.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
LIFE
Admiring the shine of the new snow with wonder…. Feeling the sting of the wind on my face makes me feel alive. It makes me feel alive in a way that is good.
Many times in my life I have felt alive but not always in such a good way. Many times it was in a way that I often wished I was not alive or in the least maybe in a bad dream where I could wake up and know it was not real.
My life has been a series of places of agonizing pain along with places of agonizing beauty. I guess that is how most lives are? At least I think maybe most lives are like that. Since the only life I really know anything about is my own that is all I can compare anything to. That is all any of us can do
Maybe a lot of people never experience agonizing pain or beauty at all. Maybe there really are people who live a life free of any serious pain or ecstasy. Maybe there are people who never experience anything much at all except one day droning on into another consistently calm and uneventful. I admit calm is nice but not the extent that I cannot ever feel the awe of a beautiful sunset or the wonder of a babies smile.
I would hate to have my life so limited that I cannot stand in amazement on a mountain overlooking a valley or on a beach looking out to sea, with my soul reaching to the sky in ecstasy of the beauty beyond any words in my vocabulary.
Could it be that maybe the agonizing pain we experience in this life is to prepare us to except the ecstasy of the next? Maybe you have to experience the agonizing pain to even recognize or handle the ecstasy of anything at all.
Maybe the Creator allows some experiences of horror and pain for that very reason. Maybe He even gives us amazing glimpses of the ecstasy in the next life.
For instance….. The changing of the seasons with the orgasmic color changes that are so brilliant that no matter how we humans try we cannot really reproduce them… the blooms of the spring flowers transitioning in orgasmic colors to summer in a calmer way then the fall. The human orgasm felt when reproducing another human (or when you are not). The awesome unlimited beauty of the universe whether you are looking within through a microscope on outward through a telescope. The amazing way anything reproduces through a single cell to become something original and full of wonder.
Maybe we as humans have to feel the pain to get to the real ecstasy of life. Pain- pleasure and love- hate…. All very close and all part of what makes us human. Maybe the ones who walk this earth and never experience any of this are not human? Maybe some are human but something has taken away their humanity somehow?
I know a few things about this walk called my life…. I have always felt something. I have always felt things intensely. I know I am alive and I am alive because something bigger than me deemed it so. I would not take away any of the pain if it meant I would lose any of the wonderment… any of the ecstasy. Because through all of it…. It means I have lived.
By Multijl,
A life in progress
Many times in my life I have felt alive but not always in such a good way. Many times it was in a way that I often wished I was not alive or in the least maybe in a bad dream where I could wake up and know it was not real.
My life has been a series of places of agonizing pain along with places of agonizing beauty. I guess that is how most lives are? At least I think maybe most lives are like that. Since the only life I really know anything about is my own that is all I can compare anything to. That is all any of us can do
Maybe a lot of people never experience agonizing pain or beauty at all. Maybe there really are people who live a life free of any serious pain or ecstasy. Maybe there are people who never experience anything much at all except one day droning on into another consistently calm and uneventful. I admit calm is nice but not the extent that I cannot ever feel the awe of a beautiful sunset or the wonder of a babies smile.
I would hate to have my life so limited that I cannot stand in amazement on a mountain overlooking a valley or on a beach looking out to sea, with my soul reaching to the sky in ecstasy of the beauty beyond any words in my vocabulary.
Could it be that maybe the agonizing pain we experience in this life is to prepare us to except the ecstasy of the next? Maybe you have to experience the agonizing pain to even recognize or handle the ecstasy of anything at all.
Maybe the Creator allows some experiences of horror and pain for that very reason. Maybe He even gives us amazing glimpses of the ecstasy in the next life.
For instance….. The changing of the seasons with the orgasmic color changes that are so brilliant that no matter how we humans try we cannot really reproduce them… the blooms of the spring flowers transitioning in orgasmic colors to summer in a calmer way then the fall. The human orgasm felt when reproducing another human (or when you are not). The awesome unlimited beauty of the universe whether you are looking within through a microscope on outward through a telescope. The amazing way anything reproduces through a single cell to become something original and full of wonder.
Maybe we as humans have to feel the pain to get to the real ecstasy of life. Pain- pleasure and love- hate…. All very close and all part of what makes us human. Maybe the ones who walk this earth and never experience any of this are not human? Maybe some are human but something has taken away their humanity somehow?
I know a few things about this walk called my life…. I have always felt something. I have always felt things intensely. I know I am alive and I am alive because something bigger than me deemed it so. I would not take away any of the pain if it meant I would lose any of the wonderment… any of the ecstasy. Because through all of it…. It means I have lived.
By Multijl,
A life in progress
Friday, January 29, 2010
A Poem
A Poem
This is what is going on,
This is what is.
Where am I going?
Where have I been?
It seems my life is a jumble of things,
It seems that my life is a puzzle.
How can I help when I can’t grasp the problem?
How can I heal when I can’t grasp the problem?
Is healing for real or only an illusion?
Is healing for here or only for another place?
I hear the cries of those who are hurting.
I hear the pleas of those in pain.
My heart reaches out and it aches to help,
But how can I help when I can’t grasp the problem?
Is healing for real or only an illusion?
I cry to the Creator of All and pray….
Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
What is Thy will? What is heaven?
Are we to ask? Are we to know?
What I think at times is that this might be hell.
But then I hold an innocent baby, I watch a beautiful sunset, I hear a child’s laugh, and I rub a soft kitten against my cheek….
And I know this cannot be hell, hell is the end… this is a beginning.
As painful as this life may be...
This life is a beginning… a beginning of forever, where ever that ever might be.
And I know…
That what we do in this life will effect where we spend forever. Even if forever means we cease to exist.
I do not want to leave this life with only regrets and pain left to others.
I want to leave a legacy of love and forgiveness.
And even if I do not totally grasp the problem,
I know part of the solution is to follow this code.
Do onto others as you would have them do onto you.
Give love and you will get love…
Give pain and you will reap pain…
So where ever I have been and where ever I am going…
No matter how jumbled my life may seem…
I can still love…
And that is a good thing…
By Multijudy
This is what is going on,
This is what is.
Where am I going?
Where have I been?
It seems my life is a jumble of things,
It seems that my life is a puzzle.
How can I help when I can’t grasp the problem?
How can I heal when I can’t grasp the problem?
Is healing for real or only an illusion?
Is healing for here or only for another place?
I hear the cries of those who are hurting.
I hear the pleas of those in pain.
My heart reaches out and it aches to help,
But how can I help when I can’t grasp the problem?
Is healing for real or only an illusion?
I cry to the Creator of All and pray….
Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
What is Thy will? What is heaven?
Are we to ask? Are we to know?
What I think at times is that this might be hell.
But then I hold an innocent baby, I watch a beautiful sunset, I hear a child’s laugh, and I rub a soft kitten against my cheek….
And I know this cannot be hell, hell is the end… this is a beginning.
As painful as this life may be...
This life is a beginning… a beginning of forever, where ever that ever might be.
And I know…
That what we do in this life will effect where we spend forever. Even if forever means we cease to exist.
I do not want to leave this life with only regrets and pain left to others.
I want to leave a legacy of love and forgiveness.
And even if I do not totally grasp the problem,
I know part of the solution is to follow this code.
Do onto others as you would have them do onto you.
Give love and you will get love…
Give pain and you will reap pain…
So where ever I have been and where ever I am going…
No matter how jumbled my life may seem…
I can still love…
And that is a good thing…
By Multijudy
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