Just wanted to check in and let everyone know I am still here...
I have been so busy I feel as if I am chasing myself. A lot of road trips back to back as of late along with everything else. Not much computer time to be sure...
Anyway if I can not get back here anytime soon I want to ask a New Year's blessing for everyone...
You all have been such a blessing to me.... you have no idea how much. Every time I feel as if I can not make one more step, someone out there encourages me and pushes me on. I know that without all of you praying I would never be able to walk this walk at all.
So with saying all of that I shall leave you with this wonderful message...
Love & prayers,
Judy
Reading: Ephesians 6:16
SHIELD OF FAITH
We cannot get to heaven without faith. We know we cannot please God without this active virtue. It is clear that faith is what enables us to walk forward in our life in Christ. Therefore, it is important to note that faith is associated with the shield. The Bible tells us that the Lord is our shield. In fact, a buckler was a shield. King David made this statement: “As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is tried: he is a buckler to all them that trust in him” (2 Samuel 22:31 ).
According to the information I read about some of the shields in Jesus’ day, there was one particular shield a soldier could actually hide his whole body behind in battle. Therefore, he had complete protection. This reminds us that to hide in Jesus, we must truly trust Him with what is going on around us. We must hide behind Him because He is truth. We must not move until we know we can walk in righteousness. In this way we know we can be completely surrounded by His incredible protection.
This is why the writer of Hebrews stated that Jesus is the author and finisher of our faith. Our faith begins with Jesus where we put our trust in Him for salvation. As we learn to hide in Him by faith, we learn to trust Him for the life and type of protection that has been promised to us.
The shield of faith protects us from the fiery darts of the wicked. These darts can be lies, false accusations and doubts. They are attempts of Satan to make inroads into our life so that he can rob us of confidence towards God, kill our trust in His commitment towards us, and destroy our abiding foundation we have established in Him as our Rock of Ages.
By standing behind our shield of God, we will quench the fire and impact of these darts as they try to penetrate our lives in Christ. Make sure you hold your shield up against such attempts. If you do, the influences and attempts of the wicked one will fall to the wayside.
Prayer: Lord, we praise Your name. You have become our shield in which we can quench all the darts that come from the enemy. Amen.
©2008 Rayola Kelley, Gentle Shepherd Ministries. Permission is granted for
non-commercial (free) distribution provided this notice appears.
www.gentleshepherd.com
Questions or comments welcome. Email: ministry@gentleshepherd.com
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
update....
I do not have much time for writing this morning... but I wanted everyone to know I am much better, thanks to all the prayer cover and encouragement...
I will try and update some more in a day or so....
Love you all....
Judy
I will try and update some more in a day or so....
Love you all....
Judy
Monday, December 21, 2009
Feelings....
Well for the first time in a long time I am writing back to back posts....
Please read the one before this one because it is on much higher note then this one....
It is almost three in the morning and I can not sleep. You know one of those kinds of nights where your brain will not shut up.
I have had a lot of miracles in my life as of late especially where my kids are involved. A lot of prayers have gone out by a lot of you on my behalf and theirs also. So the reunion with my daughter and grand- daughters yesterday was a result of that... but it was not an easy thing to be sure.
I am praying and hoping that that meeting is the beginning for us and will lead to more time with them and a lot of healing as well. But tonight I have to admit I am feeling a lot overwhelmed and just needed to write or at least try and write about what I am feeling.
I struggle a lot with being Judy. Sometimes I like her OK and sometimes I still look in the mirror and wonder what kind of freak she really is and if she is even really there at all. I often stand outside of myself and listen to what I am saying and doing and wonder if I am real or an illusion and often I feel as if I am a stranger to myself more then to anyone else.
I talk to The Father, a lot... in truth I do not know how not to talk to Him... but anyway I talk to Him a lot about how I feel or how confused I am about me..I wonder if He can somehow clear all this muddle in my head up for me.
When I went to see my daughter we met at her Grandparents home in Okla. Her dad is a full blood Choctaw...anyway some people were there who were there doing a home church thing and they were connected to a Choctaw country church. When the kids were little I used to take them to a Choctaw church...I made a few Choctaw friends back then and really wanted my kids to feel connected to their roots. Even after their dad and I split I tried to make sure they stayed connected to his family. My kids actually saw more of the Choctaw side then they saw of my side. My dad is actually half Cherokee with some Choctaw thrown in but you would not know it by looking at me other then I am tall like him and I have his facial structure...I am fair and redheaded (or used to be age has lightened it a lot) like my mom. The Irish....
Anyway I grew up not being connected to any roots other then bad ones so I never had any kind of identity about my ancestors....did not really care one way or another and still do not. But what I am writing about now is about a lot of what I have always felt.
When I walked into my kids grandparents home and met the church couple (who were Choctaws) they knew me. They had remembered me when I was young and my kids were all little. It was weird but all of a sudden I felt like that scared, screwed up confused girl way back then so long ago. It was not that this couple said anything wrong, they were very nice in fact, it was all me. I remembered how I felt as that young woman trying to fit into a strange culture and a new family and how much of an outsider I always felt. I had no roots...I had no understanding of roots... I had no pride in who I was or who my family was or in anything. I was always amazed as I sat on the sidelines and observed the Choctaw culture, all the time wishing I could be a part of their illusive clan.
I was lonely.... so alone and so lost. I felt isolated from everybody and everything. I tried very hard to fit in and be excepted but in my messed up dissociated state I ran more people away from me then too me.
Anyway it amazes me even now how so many years later I can still feel so out of it and inadequate. I felt that way trying to connect with my daughter and I felt that way when I tried to talk to these people. I feel that way now as I write this.
I try and try to do my Father's work and I try and be the person I believe I should be to honor Him and yet.... I still feel lost and inadequate. I still feel disconnected to myself and others a huge part of the time. I still feel as if I have no roots and am somehow still floating around ungrounded.
I know all the scriptures that say to the contrary because I belong to the Father and have excepted the Savior and I know this planet is not my home. I know if I am in Christ I am no longer part of this world and my identity is in Him... OK I know all of that so what is the deal with me?
Why do I still feel as if pieces of me are missing? Why do I still feel as if I can never get anything right and I am a rootless outsider who can never fit anywhere? I often feel as if I will not fit in the next life any better then this one.
I keep thinking that one day I will get it and it will all make sense to me. I will make sense to me. That with all the words I have written, Judy will somehow be real to me and I will get her. Every time I think I am getting close to her she eludes me. Is she real or someone I have created in my mind? Is that why my kids have such a hard time with me? Is it because I elude them as well?
Who am I? And does it even matter? Do any of you out there ever feel the same way?
Thanks for listening.... you all know by now, I can not hide what I feel because if I am not honest as I can be with my struggles then how can I be anything at all to you...
Good Night,
Judy
Please read the one before this one because it is on much higher note then this one....
It is almost three in the morning and I can not sleep. You know one of those kinds of nights where your brain will not shut up.
I have had a lot of miracles in my life as of late especially where my kids are involved. A lot of prayers have gone out by a lot of you on my behalf and theirs also. So the reunion with my daughter and grand- daughters yesterday was a result of that... but it was not an easy thing to be sure.
I am praying and hoping that that meeting is the beginning for us and will lead to more time with them and a lot of healing as well. But tonight I have to admit I am feeling a lot overwhelmed and just needed to write or at least try and write about what I am feeling.
I struggle a lot with being Judy. Sometimes I like her OK and sometimes I still look in the mirror and wonder what kind of freak she really is and if she is even really there at all. I often stand outside of myself and listen to what I am saying and doing and wonder if I am real or an illusion and often I feel as if I am a stranger to myself more then to anyone else.
I talk to The Father, a lot... in truth I do not know how not to talk to Him... but anyway I talk to Him a lot about how I feel or how confused I am about me..I wonder if He can somehow clear all this muddle in my head up for me.
When I went to see my daughter we met at her Grandparents home in Okla. Her dad is a full blood Choctaw...anyway some people were there who were there doing a home church thing and they were connected to a Choctaw country church. When the kids were little I used to take them to a Choctaw church...I made a few Choctaw friends back then and really wanted my kids to feel connected to their roots. Even after their dad and I split I tried to make sure they stayed connected to his family. My kids actually saw more of the Choctaw side then they saw of my side. My dad is actually half Cherokee with some Choctaw thrown in but you would not know it by looking at me other then I am tall like him and I have his facial structure...I am fair and redheaded (or used to be age has lightened it a lot) like my mom. The Irish....
Anyway I grew up not being connected to any roots other then bad ones so I never had any kind of identity about my ancestors....did not really care one way or another and still do not. But what I am writing about now is about a lot of what I have always felt.
When I walked into my kids grandparents home and met the church couple (who were Choctaws) they knew me. They had remembered me when I was young and my kids were all little. It was weird but all of a sudden I felt like that scared, screwed up confused girl way back then so long ago. It was not that this couple said anything wrong, they were very nice in fact, it was all me. I remembered how I felt as that young woman trying to fit into a strange culture and a new family and how much of an outsider I always felt. I had no roots...I had no understanding of roots... I had no pride in who I was or who my family was or in anything. I was always amazed as I sat on the sidelines and observed the Choctaw culture, all the time wishing I could be a part of their illusive clan.
I was lonely.... so alone and so lost. I felt isolated from everybody and everything. I tried very hard to fit in and be excepted but in my messed up dissociated state I ran more people away from me then too me.
Anyway it amazes me even now how so many years later I can still feel so out of it and inadequate. I felt that way trying to connect with my daughter and I felt that way when I tried to talk to these people. I feel that way now as I write this.
I try and try to do my Father's work and I try and be the person I believe I should be to honor Him and yet.... I still feel lost and inadequate. I still feel disconnected to myself and others a huge part of the time. I still feel as if I have no roots and am somehow still floating around ungrounded.
I know all the scriptures that say to the contrary because I belong to the Father and have excepted the Savior and I know this planet is not my home. I know if I am in Christ I am no longer part of this world and my identity is in Him... OK I know all of that so what is the deal with me?
Why do I still feel as if pieces of me are missing? Why do I still feel as if I can never get anything right and I am a rootless outsider who can never fit anywhere? I often feel as if I will not fit in the next life any better then this one.
I keep thinking that one day I will get it and it will all make sense to me. I will make sense to me. That with all the words I have written, Judy will somehow be real to me and I will get her. Every time I think I am getting close to her she eludes me. Is she real or someone I have created in my mind? Is that why my kids have such a hard time with me? Is it because I elude them as well?
Who am I? And does it even matter? Do any of you out there ever feel the same way?
Thanks for listening.... you all know by now, I can not hide what I feel because if I am not honest as I can be with my struggles then how can I be anything at all to you...
Good Night,
Judy
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