I do not have much time for writing this morning... but I wanted everyone to know I am much better, thanks to all the prayer cover and encouragement...
I will try and update some more in a day or so....
Love you all....
Judy
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
Feelings....
Well for the first time in a long time I am writing back to back posts....
Please read the one before this one because it is on much higher note then this one....
It is almost three in the morning and I can not sleep. You know one of those kinds of nights where your brain will not shut up.
I have had a lot of miracles in my life as of late especially where my kids are involved. A lot of prayers have gone out by a lot of you on my behalf and theirs also. So the reunion with my daughter and grand- daughters yesterday was a result of that... but it was not an easy thing to be sure.
I am praying and hoping that that meeting is the beginning for us and will lead to more time with them and a lot of healing as well. But tonight I have to admit I am feeling a lot overwhelmed and just needed to write or at least try and write about what I am feeling.
I struggle a lot with being Judy. Sometimes I like her OK and sometimes I still look in the mirror and wonder what kind of freak she really is and if she is even really there at all. I often stand outside of myself and listen to what I am saying and doing and wonder if I am real or an illusion and often I feel as if I am a stranger to myself more then to anyone else.
I talk to The Father, a lot... in truth I do not know how not to talk to Him... but anyway I talk to Him a lot about how I feel or how confused I am about me..I wonder if He can somehow clear all this muddle in my head up for me.
When I went to see my daughter we met at her Grandparents home in Okla. Her dad is a full blood Choctaw...anyway some people were there who were there doing a home church thing and they were connected to a Choctaw country church. When the kids were little I used to take them to a Choctaw church...I made a few Choctaw friends back then and really wanted my kids to feel connected to their roots. Even after their dad and I split I tried to make sure they stayed connected to his family. My kids actually saw more of the Choctaw side then they saw of my side. My dad is actually half Cherokee with some Choctaw thrown in but you would not know it by looking at me other then I am tall like him and I have his facial structure...I am fair and redheaded (or used to be age has lightened it a lot) like my mom. The Irish....
Anyway I grew up not being connected to any roots other then bad ones so I never had any kind of identity about my ancestors....did not really care one way or another and still do not. But what I am writing about now is about a lot of what I have always felt.
When I walked into my kids grandparents home and met the church couple (who were Choctaws) they knew me. They had remembered me when I was young and my kids were all little. It was weird but all of a sudden I felt like that scared, screwed up confused girl way back then so long ago. It was not that this couple said anything wrong, they were very nice in fact, it was all me. I remembered how I felt as that young woman trying to fit into a strange culture and a new family and how much of an outsider I always felt. I had no roots...I had no understanding of roots... I had no pride in who I was or who my family was or in anything. I was always amazed as I sat on the sidelines and observed the Choctaw culture, all the time wishing I could be a part of their illusive clan.
I was lonely.... so alone and so lost. I felt isolated from everybody and everything. I tried very hard to fit in and be excepted but in my messed up dissociated state I ran more people away from me then too me.
Anyway it amazes me even now how so many years later I can still feel so out of it and inadequate. I felt that way trying to connect with my daughter and I felt that way when I tried to talk to these people. I feel that way now as I write this.
I try and try to do my Father's work and I try and be the person I believe I should be to honor Him and yet.... I still feel lost and inadequate. I still feel disconnected to myself and others a huge part of the time. I still feel as if I have no roots and am somehow still floating around ungrounded.
I know all the scriptures that say to the contrary because I belong to the Father and have excepted the Savior and I know this planet is not my home. I know if I am in Christ I am no longer part of this world and my identity is in Him... OK I know all of that so what is the deal with me?
Why do I still feel as if pieces of me are missing? Why do I still feel as if I can never get anything right and I am a rootless outsider who can never fit anywhere? I often feel as if I will not fit in the next life any better then this one.
I keep thinking that one day I will get it and it will all make sense to me. I will make sense to me. That with all the words I have written, Judy will somehow be real to me and I will get her. Every time I think I am getting close to her she eludes me. Is she real or someone I have created in my mind? Is that why my kids have such a hard time with me? Is it because I elude them as well?
Who am I? And does it even matter? Do any of you out there ever feel the same way?
Thanks for listening.... you all know by now, I can not hide what I feel because if I am not honest as I can be with my struggles then how can I be anything at all to you...
Good Night,
Judy
Please read the one before this one because it is on much higher note then this one....
It is almost three in the morning and I can not sleep. You know one of those kinds of nights where your brain will not shut up.
I have had a lot of miracles in my life as of late especially where my kids are involved. A lot of prayers have gone out by a lot of you on my behalf and theirs also. So the reunion with my daughter and grand- daughters yesterday was a result of that... but it was not an easy thing to be sure.
I am praying and hoping that that meeting is the beginning for us and will lead to more time with them and a lot of healing as well. But tonight I have to admit I am feeling a lot overwhelmed and just needed to write or at least try and write about what I am feeling.
I struggle a lot with being Judy. Sometimes I like her OK and sometimes I still look in the mirror and wonder what kind of freak she really is and if she is even really there at all. I often stand outside of myself and listen to what I am saying and doing and wonder if I am real or an illusion and often I feel as if I am a stranger to myself more then to anyone else.
I talk to The Father, a lot... in truth I do not know how not to talk to Him... but anyway I talk to Him a lot about how I feel or how confused I am about me..I wonder if He can somehow clear all this muddle in my head up for me.
When I went to see my daughter we met at her Grandparents home in Okla. Her dad is a full blood Choctaw...anyway some people were there who were there doing a home church thing and they were connected to a Choctaw country church. When the kids were little I used to take them to a Choctaw church...I made a few Choctaw friends back then and really wanted my kids to feel connected to their roots. Even after their dad and I split I tried to make sure they stayed connected to his family. My kids actually saw more of the Choctaw side then they saw of my side. My dad is actually half Cherokee with some Choctaw thrown in but you would not know it by looking at me other then I am tall like him and I have his facial structure...I am fair and redheaded (or used to be age has lightened it a lot) like my mom. The Irish....
Anyway I grew up not being connected to any roots other then bad ones so I never had any kind of identity about my ancestors....did not really care one way or another and still do not. But what I am writing about now is about a lot of what I have always felt.
When I walked into my kids grandparents home and met the church couple (who were Choctaws) they knew me. They had remembered me when I was young and my kids were all little. It was weird but all of a sudden I felt like that scared, screwed up confused girl way back then so long ago. It was not that this couple said anything wrong, they were very nice in fact, it was all me. I remembered how I felt as that young woman trying to fit into a strange culture and a new family and how much of an outsider I always felt. I had no roots...I had no understanding of roots... I had no pride in who I was or who my family was or in anything. I was always amazed as I sat on the sidelines and observed the Choctaw culture, all the time wishing I could be a part of their illusive clan.
I was lonely.... so alone and so lost. I felt isolated from everybody and everything. I tried very hard to fit in and be excepted but in my messed up dissociated state I ran more people away from me then too me.
Anyway it amazes me even now how so many years later I can still feel so out of it and inadequate. I felt that way trying to connect with my daughter and I felt that way when I tried to talk to these people. I feel that way now as I write this.
I try and try to do my Father's work and I try and be the person I believe I should be to honor Him and yet.... I still feel lost and inadequate. I still feel disconnected to myself and others a huge part of the time. I still feel as if I have no roots and am somehow still floating around ungrounded.
I know all the scriptures that say to the contrary because I belong to the Father and have excepted the Savior and I know this planet is not my home. I know if I am in Christ I am no longer part of this world and my identity is in Him... OK I know all of that so what is the deal with me?
Why do I still feel as if pieces of me are missing? Why do I still feel as if I can never get anything right and I am a rootless outsider who can never fit anywhere? I often feel as if I will not fit in the next life any better then this one.
I keep thinking that one day I will get it and it will all make sense to me. I will make sense to me. That with all the words I have written, Judy will somehow be real to me and I will get her. Every time I think I am getting close to her she eludes me. Is she real or someone I have created in my mind? Is that why my kids have such a hard time with me? Is it because I elude them as well?
Who am I? And does it even matter? Do any of you out there ever feel the same way?
Thanks for listening.... you all know by now, I can not hide what I feel because if I am not honest as I can be with my struggles then how can I be anything at all to you...
Good Night,
Judy
Sunday, December 20, 2009
A wonderful Blessing from the Father....
Hi All,
I have had a wonderful blessing from the Father today and I just had to share it with everyone...
I got to spend the day with my daughter and my two precious grand-daughters..I have not seen them in over three years!!
What a great answer to my prayers...anyway I posted an updated picture of me with my grand-daughters so be sure to check it out.
I have felt so blessed these last few weeks... first off my son whom I had not seen is over two years come to see me out of the blue. Then I had a birthday that really blessed me and gave me wonderful new memories with precious new friends and brothers and sisters in the Lord... then my 20Th wedding anniversary... and that in itself is a miracle..ha! (living with a survivor is no picnic but Tim is a trooper)
And then I got to see my girls today! And if that is not enough I get to have four of my grandsons next week!!
So for all of you who pray for me..thanks and many thanks over again.
The Father is so good and even in my pain of new memories He has given me much joy....
Love & Prayers,
Judy
I have had a wonderful blessing from the Father today and I just had to share it with everyone...
I got to spend the day with my daughter and my two precious grand-daughters..I have not seen them in over three years!!
What a great answer to my prayers...anyway I posted an updated picture of me with my grand-daughters so be sure to check it out.
I have felt so blessed these last few weeks... first off my son whom I had not seen is over two years come to see me out of the blue. Then I had a birthday that really blessed me and gave me wonderful new memories with precious new friends and brothers and sisters in the Lord... then my 20Th wedding anniversary... and that in itself is a miracle..ha! (living with a survivor is no picnic but Tim is a trooper)
And then I got to see my girls today! And if that is not enough I get to have four of my grandsons next week!!
So for all of you who pray for me..thanks and many thanks over again.
The Father is so good and even in my pain of new memories He has given me much joy....
Love & Prayers,
Judy
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