Tuesday, October 14, 2008

My Story "warning" graphic............

OK, here's the thing.......

I am starting this off with stuff I have already written as I was going to write this in a book. Well
I decided to do a blog instead to just get it right out there. I will add to a lot to this as I post but I felt this was at least a place to start.

This is my story and my truth... no one out there has to believe a word I say, so do not feel you need to argue the point with me. If my word rings true to you then read on. If I seem like a crazy liar... then don't read this blog. This is not a debate. This is my story, period.

With that all said..here goes..................

Multijl My Story


I think the hardest part of telling any story is the beginning. I mean where does one start? In my case for instance it all started when I was quite small and going back that far could get rather long winded. So, for the sake of time I believe I will start way back but skip those places that will take away from what I feel I need to say. Now with that all said I shall begin.

I came into the world in the beginning of winter, December 12Th 1957. I doubt there was anything important about that day except to my parents. Well, I would at least like to hope my birth was important to my parents. I believe my mom was OK with my birth but I have serious doubts about my dad. From the very beginning my relationship with him was not right. I mean he always let me know how I messed up his relationship with my mom and that it was my destiny to make that fact up to him. However, I do not think I could have ever done enough to please that man and no father has the right to demand the kind of payment he required of me.

Fortunately I had another Father who loved me. As a matter of fact He created me, so His love made up a lot for the sick man who sired me on this planet. And that is what this story of my life is about. A journey….a journey of a life filled with abuse and pain but a life that found its way to the heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ. This is a story of my salvation, deliverance and healing.

My prayer for this book is that it will lead all who read it to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and that they will know how much He loves them and through Him they can find hope, healing, deliverance and most of all a Savior. So I dedicate this book to Him, My Lord, my GOD, Jesus Christ.














I loved to play in the dirt. I would sit on the ground and run my feet through the fine dirt feeling its softness, and then I would scoop a hand full up and watch it sift through my little fingers. I never cared how dirty I got; I only cared about the feel of the fine soft dirt on my skin. It was heaven for a two-year-old. I think I felt the presence of an intruder before I saw the shadow cast over me from the big form above. I was reluctant to look up from my play, as I did not want to be disturbed. But when the shadow did not move I looked up slowly. Daddy! Oh how I loved my daddy! He reached his big hand down to take my little one in his and pulled me up from my heavenly dirt pile. I smiled as I looked up into his face but I soon realized he was not pleased with me. With a frown and a severe scolding I knew this was not a good thing. He was not happy with the dirt I found so pleasing.
I remember being pulled into the house and put into a tub to be washed. All the time my dad was cussing under his breath and washing my little soft body very roughly. Too roughly and I began to cry. Shut up you little *#@*##@@ !!! I did not know what that meant but I knew it was not good. Before I could quiet down I saw a big tube being shoved into my face and forced into my small mouth. It hurt my mouth and caused me to gag. I could not breathe and started fighting. My dad hit me hard on the head and pulled my hair forcing that tube back into my mouth again. I felt myself floating away and that is all I remember.
Later I remember sitting in the car eating ice cream next to my dad and he was smiling at me and being nice. He was happy again. I remember being happy because he was happy and I knew he loved me again. But I also remember feeling confused and not being able to understand why I felt so confused.

I really think he started doing stuff to me even as a baby. I have no proof just a feeling that sticks like vomit to my soul. I also know I started splitting off in my mind at a very young age as a way to deal with the pain and betrayal. I loved my dad a lot back then and even though he hurt me I was just too young to understand his sickness. Also there were times when he was a good daddy and did nice tender daddy things, which made for even more confusion. I always believed that when he hurt me I deserved it because that was what he would tell me.

Memories, what an odd thing they are. I remember playing with my dolls, climbing trees, riding my bike, skipping rope all the normal fun things little girls do. I also remember pain, lots of pain. It was like I always lived two very different distinct lives. I wonder how many clues there were all those many years ago that were flashing like warning signs for anyone who dared to notice. I wonder how many other children were living two different lives just like me with no one to notice and no one to even care. I am guessing way too many of us to count.

cont............

1 comment:

Sheebah said...

:( I will keep on reading while I Thank Yesus for the Love He give You my Dear and Sweet Sista in HIM........

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